I was on the phone with my best friend when I said it out loud.

“It just feels different here. Like there is more room to just be who you are and you don’t need to fit in anymore.”

She laughed. She knew exactly what I meant.

That conversation stuck with me. Not because I had any grand answer, but because I realized I had never actually asked the question. Why does one place feel like home and another doesn’t? Why do some immigrants thrive here while others spend years longing to go back? Why do some of us feel guilty for liking it here, and others feel guilty for not missing home enough?

I didn’t have language for any of this until I started studying organizational culture and stumbled onto research that finally gave me a framework to understand what I had been feeling for years.

Two Hidden Dimensions of Every Culture

Researchers who study culture talk about two dimensions that shape everything, how we work, how we relate, how we raise children, and how we see ourselves. Most of us never learn these frameworks, but once you do, you start seeing them everywhere.

The first dimension: tight versus loose.

Tight cultures have strong, clear norms about how people should behave. Everyone knows the rules. Breaking them carries real social consequences like judgment, exclusion, or shame. These cultures didn’t develop this way randomly. Historically, tight cultures faced more threats, things like natural disasters, invasions, famine, or high population density. When survival depends on everyone working together, you need coordination. You need people to follow the rules. The tightness was a feature, not a flaw.

Tight cultures have real strengths. They tend to be more synchronized, more coordinated, and people within them often show more self-control. There is a reason things run on time, expectations are clear, and social life feels predictable. There is safety in knowing exactly where you stand.

But too much tightness has costs too. Tight cultures can become less open, less creative, and more resistant to change. There is more pressure to stay within the lines, and that pressure can tip into ethnocentrism, the quiet belief that our way is the only right way.

Loose cultures are more relaxed about norms. There is more tolerance for different ways of doing things, more space for individual expression, and fewer social consequences for standing out. But too much looseness has its own struggles. Things can feel disorganized. Coordination is harder. Shared values are harder to maintain. Freedom has a messiness to it.

Here is the part that surprised me most when I first read the research: no culture is entirely tight or entirely loose. Every culture is a patchwork, tight in some domains and loose in others, depending on what that society has decided matters most.

India, for example, is famously loose when it comes to traffic. Anyone who has navigated an Indian road knows there are technically rules, but nobody is particularly committed to them. But marriage? Sexuality? Respecting authority? These tend to be tight, with strong social consequences for stepping out of line. India is one of the most tight cultures.

The USA feels loose in so many ways culturally, but it has tight domains too. Privacy is one of them. You do not just show up at someone’s house unannounced. You text first, you plan ahead, you respect boundaries around personal space and time. That would feel perfectly normal in many parts of India. Here it can feel like a violation. But USA is generally a lose culture.

But remember no culture is simply one thing.

The second dimension: collectivism versus individualism.

In collectivist cultures, your identity is inseparable from your relationships. Who you are is defined by who you belong to, your family, your community, your role. Decisions are made with the group in mind. Maintaining harmony and meeting social expectations matter more than personal preference. Your success reflects on everyone around you, and so does your failure.

In individualist cultures, the self is the starting point. You are who you are, independent of your context. Your ambitions, your choices, your identity are yours to define and yours to own. Speaking up for yourself isn’t just accepted, it’s expected. Staying silent when you have something to contribute is almost seen as a problem.

Neither is superior. Collectivism gives you belonging, rootedness, and a village that shows up for you without you having to ask. Individualism gives you freedom, self-determination, and the space to build a life entirely on your own terms. Both come with trade-offs. Both have things the other one is missing.

The Moment It All Clicked

I remember sitting in an orientation session during my first week at university at Chicago. It was an onboarding for international students, and the advisor said something that stopped me cold.

“You need to talk about your work. You need to ask for what you need.”

I genuinely didn’t understand what she meant. I thought, my work will speak for itself. That’s how it works, right? You do good work, you stay humble, and the right people notice. Where I grew up, humility wasn’t just a virtue. It was a social expectation. Boasting felt wrong.

But that advisor was pointing at something real. In an individualist culture, advocating for yourself isn’t boasting. It’s participation. If you don’t speak up, people assume you don’t have anything to say. The rules of visibility are completely different, and nobody hands you a manual.

That was my first real glimpse at the gap. Not between a good culture and a bad one, but between two entirely different ways of moving through the world.

Neither Is Right or Wrong

This is the part I want to sit with for a moment, because it is easy to read frameworks like these and start ranking cultures. To decide that loose is better than tight, or that individualism is more evolved than collectivism. That kind of thinking misses the point entirely.

Every cultural trait exists for a reason. Tightness creates safety and coordination. Collectivism creates community and belonging. The problems start not with the values themselves, but with the extremes. Too much tightness and there is no room to breathe, to question, to grow. Too much looseness and there is no shared foundation to stand on. Too much individualism and people become isolated, disconnected, building lives with no village around them. Too much collectivism and the individual gets lost entirely.

The healthiest cultures, and the healthiest people, tend to live somewhere in the balance. Rooted enough to feel safe. Open enough to keep growing.

A Mirror for You

Here is what I find most useful about these frameworks. They are not just about countries. They are about you.

If you are an immigrant who finds yourself longing to go back, missing the community, the structure, the familiarity, the sense of being known, you are probably wired more toward a tight, collectivist way of living. And that is completely valid. That way of being has deep strengths, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to live inside them.

If you find yourself thriving here, energized by the freedom, the space to define yourself, the ability to build a life on your own terms, you probably align more naturally with a loose, individualist culture. That is valid too.

And if you feel both things at the same time, missing the village while loving the freedom, you are probably holding the most honest immigrant experience there is. You are living in the in-between, carrying both operating systems, and trying to build something that honors each of them.

None of these experiences mean you are doing it wrong. They just mean you are starting to understand your own cultural wiring. And that self-awareness, knowing which norms energize you and which ones drain you, is one of the most useful things you can have as someone navigating life between two worlds.

What I Know Now

I still think about that phone call with my best friend sometimes. That feeling of having room to breathe.

What I understand now that I didn’t then is that the feeling wasn’t about one culture being better. It was about fit. About finding an environment where my particular way of being had space to exist.

But I also know what I gave up to get here. The close-knit relationships, the village feeling, the way people show up for each other without you having to ask. As a kid, my tribe just existed. I didn’t have to build it. Here, for my daughter, I am building it from scratch. Playdates, music classes, trips to the park. All of it intentional, all of it effortful.

Both things are true. I found room to be myself. And I left something behind to do it. I align more with a loose and individualistic way of living in general. But I do miss the community back home. I am trying to build one here.

Understanding the frameworks doesn’t resolve that tension. But it makes it easier to carry. Because you stop asking “what is wrong with me?” and start asking the much more useful question: “what do I actually need, and how do I build it here?”

Attachment theory was originally created to explain how children bond with their parents.

Then researchers found the same patterns showing up in romantic relationships. The same dynamics, the same fears, the same strategies, just in a different context.

But it doesn’t stop there. Research now shows that attachment patterns replay in every significant relationship. Including the ones at work.

So what actually is an attachment style? It’s your default way of relating to people in close relationships, particularly under stress. It’s the system running in the background: shaping how you trust people, how you handle conflict, how close you let someone in, and how safe relationships feel to you. It’s your brain’s way of predicting how relationships work, built from thousands of repeated interactions with your caregivers before you had words for any of it.

There are four types of attachment styles.

Secure

They’re comfortable being close to people and comfortable being on their own. They trust that people will show up for them, and when they don’t, they can handle it without it unraveling them. Conflict doesn’t feel like the end of the world. Intimacy doesn’t feel like a trap. They can ask for what they need, show up for others, and do both without losing themselves in the process. They still have hard emotions. They just don’t get taken over by them.

What created it: A caregiver who was consistently available. Not perfect, just reliable enough. They showed up, and when they got it wrong, they came back and repaired it. That’s actually the key part, the repair.

In relationships: They can be close without disappearing into someone, and independent without pushing people away. When trust breaks, they can sit with the discomfort, name what happened, and work through it. Conflict is something to solve, not something to survive.

At work and as managers: They give feedback without it becoming personal. They receive it without falling apart. They trust their team enough to actually delegate. As managers, their consistency is their superpower. People around them feel safe, and that safety is what lets everyone do their best work.

Anxious (Anxious Preoccupied)

They want closeness more than almost anything. And they’re terrified of losing it. A shorter reply than usual, a shift in someone’s tone, a cancelled plan, and suddenly they’re reading into it. Their nervous system is always scanning. Always asking, are we okay, are we still okay, what did that mean?

What created it: A caregiver who was inconsistent. Warm and present sometimes, elsewhere other times. They couldn’t predict when comfort would come, so they learned to turn up the volume on their distress signals just to make sure they’d be heard. That hypervigilance got wired in early.

In relationships: Rarely fully at ease, even when things are genuinely fine. They need reassurance, feel it for a bit, and then need it again. Extraordinarily sensitive to other people’s emotional states, which is actually a gift, except when it tips into reading threat into things that aren’t threats.

At work and as managers: Usually the first person to notice when something is off in a team. That attunement is real and valuable. But they can also spiral on an ambiguous email or a quiet meeting room. As managers, they’re warm, invested, deeply loyal to their people. The edge to watch is needing to be liked more than needing to be honest. Hard conversations can get avoided for too long.

Avoidant (Dismissive Avoidant)

They value their independence, probably more than they consciously realize. When things get too close or too intense, something in them pulls back. They find other people’s emotional needs a lot. They’ve probably been called cold or distant at some point, which confused them, because from the inside they were just being fine. Self-sufficient. Not making a big deal out of things.

What created it: A caregiver who wasn’t comfortable with emotional needs. Not necessarily cruel, just dismissive. You’re fine. Stop crying. Figure it out. So they did. They learned to stop asking, stop needing, stop feeling it too loudly. That became their baseline, and eventually it just felt like their personality.

In relationships: Closeness can feel suffocating before they even have words for it. When conflict comes, they go quiet or go analytical, which the other person experiences as disappearing. They don’t mean it as abandonment. But it lands that way.

At work and as managers: Often the calmest person in the room. Decisive, composed, hard to rattle. Those are real strengths. But they’ve also learned to tune out emotional signals, theirs and everyone else’s. As managers, their feedback can be accurate and still land badly because the relational warmth isn’t there. Their team might not tell them when morale is slipping, partly because they’ve learned their manager won’t quite meet them there.

Ambivalent (Fearful Avoidant)

This is the most complicated one, and honestly the most exhausting to live inside. They want deep connection and they’re also braced for it to hurt them. So they move toward people and then pull back. Get close and then create distance. Want to be known and then panic when someone actually starts to know them. It’s not manipulation. It’s two completely opposite survival strategies running at the same time.

What created it: A caregiver who was both the source of comfort and the source of fear. Which meant their nervous system had no coherent strategy. The person they were supposed to run to when scared was sometimes the reason they were scared. That leaves a particular kind of confusion in the body that doesn’t resolve easily.

In relationships: They can go from intense closeness to sudden distance in ways that confuse even them. They might test people without meaning to, expect them to leave before they do, or sometimes push them toward the exit themselves. The longing and the dread occupy the same space. It’s a lot to carry.

At work and as managers: They can be one of the most perceptive people in a room. Their comfort with complexity and contradiction makes them genuinely insightful. But under pressure, the inconsistency shows up. Hot and cold. Deeply present one week, pulled back the next. Their team can struggle to know where they stand, which makes building real trust difficult. Not impossible. Just harder, and it usually requires doing a lot of internal work first.

What this means if you’re a leader

Bowlby described secure attachment as a secure base. The idea is simple: when a child feels safe enough, they’re willing to leave the parent and explore. To take risks. To try things they might fail at.

That same dynamic shows up in entrepreneurship and leadership. Taking risks, tolerating uncertainty, building something from nothing, all of that is easier from a secure base.

That doesn’t mean only securely attached people can build businesses or lead teams. It means your attachment style shapes how you do it. How you handle pressure. How you respond to conflict. How much trust you extend, and how much you can receive.

And here’s what the research is clear on: your attachment style doesn’t just affect you. It affects your team. People perform better with a secure manager. Not a perfect one. A consistent, trustworthy one.

You are not stuck

The goal isn’t to become perfectly secure. It’s to move in that direction. Researchers call this earned security, and people develop it all the time.

It starts with making the pattern visible. Naming it. Understanding where it came from and how it’s showing up now. That alone changes something, because once you can see the pattern, you’re no longer just running it on autopilot.

From there, it’s about finding the relationships and habits that slowly disconfirm the old model. The brain is plastic. It learns from repeated experience. And with enough new experiences that contradict the old predictions, the nervous system starts to update.

Most conversations about healing attachment start with the wound. What was missing, what got damaged, what needs to be fixed. That work matters. But the problem with leading with a purely psychodynamic lens is that it quietly assumes something is fundamentally wrong with the person.

That’s where a positive psychology approach does something different. Instead of starting with the deficit, it starts with a different question: what does moving toward security look like for you, given who you already are?

Because every attachment style carries genuine adaptive strengths, and the research actually backs this up.

Researcher Tsachi Ein-Dor’s Social Defense Theory, published in Perspectives on Psychological Science, found that teams with a mix of attachment styles outperformed more homogeneous ones. Anxious members detected threats early and alerted others. Avoidant members acted quickly and independently under pressure. Secure members managed the complex coordination that held everything together. Each style brought something the others couldn’t.

So anxiously attached leaders bring extraordinary attunement and early threat detection. Avoidant leaders bring composure and decisive action when things get hard. Fearful avoidant leaders bring a depth of perceptiveness that comes from learning very early to read rooms carefully. These aren’t consolation prizes. They’re real capacities, backed by research.

The work isn’t about dismantling who you are. It’s about building enough security that those strengths can operate without the old survival strategies running interference at the same time.

That’s a very different conversation than “here’s what’s wrong with you.”

If this resonated

Understanding your attachment style is one thing. Working with it in the context of how you lead, how you build teams, and how you show up under pressure is another.

That’s the work I do with leaders and executives at Greymahout. If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, visit greymahout.com or reach out to set up a compatibility call.

References

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1990). Love and work: An attachment-theoretical perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(2), 270–280.

Ein-Dor, T., Mikulincer, M., Doron, G., & Shaver, P. R. (2010). The attachment paradox: How can so many of us (the insecure ones) have no adaptive advantages? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 5(2), 123–141.

Ein-Dor, T. (2014). Facing danger: How do people behave in times of need? The case of adult attachment styles. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 1452.

Davidovitz, R., Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., Izsak, R., & Popper, M. (2007). Leaders as attachment figures: Leaders’ attachment orientations predict leadership-related mental representations and followers’ performance and mental health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(4), 632–650.

Popper, M., Mayseless, O., & Castelnovo, O. (2000). Transformational leadership and attachment. The Leadership Quarterly, 11(2), 267–289.

Warnock, K. N., Ju, C. S., & Katz, I. M. (2024). A meta-analysis of attachment at work. Journal of Business and Psychology, 39(6), 1239–1257.

Yip, J., Ehrhardt, K., Black, H., & Walker, D. O. (2018). Attachment theory at work: A review and directions for future research. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 39(2), 185–198.

I was sitting in the Meta office when I got the admit letter from UPenn for the MSOD program. I immediately called my partner. We were so excited. I’m going to UPenn! And start my coaching career! This is really exciting.

And then the anxiety hit.

This means quitting Meta. Leaving my data engineering career. Going back to being a full time student. I worked so hard to get here. And now I’m choosing to blow it up? The thoughts did not stop.

The decision to quit wasn’t some bold overnight leap. It was months of thinking.

I made Plan A. Plan B. Plan C.

Had numerous conversations with my partner at midnight. Analyzed many spreadsheets. Made multiple versions of pros and cons lists. And then finally... okay, let’s do this.

And here’s the thing. This wasn’t even my first time. I’ve done this before. And if you think about it... so have you.

Remember the first day of college away from home

Remember the first day of work... transitioning from student to professional life

First day in a new country... transitioning to being an alien immigrant

Your first leadership role... going from IC to managing people

Becoming a parent... when nobody gave you a job description, but your entire operating system got rewritten overnight

Quitting your job to start something of your own

Quitting something that was actually working... not because it was broken, but because you outgrew it

Going from being the expert in the room to the beginner again... raising your hand to ask basic questions

Losing a title or label you spent years building... and wondering who you are without it

These are all transitions. But also growth points in life.

So if these are deliberate, conscious decisions... why the anxiety? Why the restlessness?

Here’s what’s actually happening.

Your brain is a prediction machine. That’s literally its main job. It’s constantly running patterns, predicting what comes next, and keeping you alive by making the familiar feel safe. Familiar routines, familiar roles, familiar identities... your brain loves all of it. Because predictability is energy efficient. Your brain doesn’t have to work hard when it knows what’s coming.

A transition breaks all of that. New job, new country, new role, new identity... your brain has no patterns for this yet. And when it can’t predict what’s coming, the amygdala steps in. That’s the part of your brain responsible for detecting threats. And here’s the thing... it doesn’t distinguish between “I’m in actual danger” and “I just don’t know what’s happening next.” Both get the same response.

Stress hormones. Hypervigilance. That low-grade anxiety that sits in your chest and won’t leave.

So that restlessness you feel during a transition? That’s not a weakness. That’s not you being dramatic. That’s your brain doing exactly what it’s designed to do. Protecting you from the unfamiliar. Even when the unfamiliar is something you choose.

But there’s a deeper layer. And this one’s harder to talk about.

Every transition is an identity death. You spent years building a version of yourself that worked. That identity wasn’t just a job title. It shaped how you introduced yourself, how you made decisions, and how you understood your place in the world.

And we hold on to these identities even when we’ve outgrown them. Because they’re safe. Because they’re known. Because letting go of who you were feels like losing something real... even when you know you need to move on.

Transition asks you to let go of that version before the new one is ready. And that gap between who you were and who you’re becoming? That’s not just discomfort. That’s grief. Real grief. Not metaphorical. You go through the same stages... denial, resistance, sadness, bargaining, and eventually acceptance. We just don’t call it grief because nobody died. But something did end.

And then there’s the middle. The in-between. Where you’ve left the old identity but haven’t landed in the new one yet. This space has a name. It’s called the neutral zone. And it’s the hardest part of any transition. Because you’re essentially nobody for a while. And that is deeply uncomfortable for a brain that just wants to know who you are.

So what actually helps? What does moving through a transition look like instead of just surviving it?

Accept that something is ending. This sounds obvious, but it’s the one most people skip. We jump straight into the new thing without acknowledging that the old thing mattered. It gave you stability, purpose, and a sense of who you are. Before you can step into what’s next, you have to let yourself grieve what you’re leaving behind. Not because it was perfect. Because it was yours.

Don’t rush the middle. That uncomfortable space where you’re not who you were but not yet who you’re becoming? Your instinct will be to get out of it as fast as possible. Fill the gap. Pick a direction. Any direction. Resist that. The middle is where the real work happens. It’s messy and it’s slow and it doesn’t look productive. But it’s where you start to hear what you actually want instead of what you think you should want.

Understand which anxiety you’re actually feeling. There are two kinds of anxiety in a transition. One is the fear of learning something new... the discomfort of being a beginner, of not knowing, of looking stupid. The other is the fear of losing what you have... the safety, the status, the certainty. These two pull in opposite directions. When the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of changing, that’s when people move. Knowing which fear is louder in your head changes everything about how you navigate the transition.

Give your brain new patterns. Remember, your brain craves predictability. The old routines are gone and your brain is searching for something to hold onto. So build new ones. Small, repeatable structures. A morning routine. A weekly reflection. A new community. It doesn’t have to be big. Your brain just needs proof that this new life has a rhythm too.

Question the story you’re telling yourself. In every transition there’s a moment where your deepest assumptions get challenged. Things you didn’t even know you believed. “Success looks like this.” “I’m the kind of person who does that.” “If I leave this, I’ll lose everything.” These aren’t facts. They’re stories. And transitions have a way of forcing you to look at them honestly. When you start questioning those assumptions instead of letting them run your decisions... that’s when the real shift happens.

Be kind to yourself in the middle. The inner critic gets loud during transitions. You’re not doing enough. You should have figured this out by now. Everyone else seems to handle change better. That voice is lying. Transitions are objectively hard. Treating yourself with the same patience you’d give a friend going through this isn’t soft. It’s what makes it possible to keep going.

Get support. When you’re anxious, you can’t think clearly. Your logical mind will justify staying stuck. And sometimes you genuinely can’t see what’s blocking you from the inside. Talking it out... with a friend, a mentor, a coach... helps you process what’s actually happening instead of what your brain is telling you is happening. You don’t get points for doing it alone.

If you’re in the middle of one of these transitions right now... that restlessness, that “who am I becoming” feeling... that’s not a sign something is wrong. That’s the process.

Understanding all of this changed how I think about coaching. My approach adapts concepts from psychology, adult development theory, adult learning theory and systems thinking. Motivational speeches don’t cut it when your nervous system is in threat mode. Generic frameworks don’t help when the real problem is that you’re grieving a version of yourself. Evidence-based coaching meets you where you actually are, not where a framework says you should be.

If you’re navigating a transition and want to explore how coaching can help, book a compatibility call: https://www.greymahout.com/contact

The current AI is good enough to replace a good slice of the coaching market.

That is an uncomfortable truth to share, especially as a coach myself. I plan to continue coaching for the near future. But after more than a year of experimenting with LLMs for coaching, I can’t frame the answer any other way.

A year ago, if someone had asked me whether AI can do coaching, I would have said it’s not quite there. Today, I would say yes, AI will do coaching. But it will not replace human coaches.

So what does the coaching world look like with AI and human coaches?

For one thing, AI coaches will democratize coaching for a large population. Coaching was originally available only to C-suite and senior-level employees. Now everyone has access to coaching, which is great.

Even for human coaches, it is educating a large part of the workforce about the value of coaching. How many times has a client asked me to just give them answers to fix their problems!

Working with a well-designed AI coach is educating people about what coaching is and how to show up as a client who understands what coaching means.

That said, the progress has been faster than most coaches realize.

My Personal Experience with AI Coaching

I have been experimenting with LLMs for coaching for more than a year now.

I have tried multiple approaches:

• I have tried crafting good prompts in ChatGPT using coaching frameworks and principles

• Tried a little bit of fine-tuning, realized it’s too much work for too little reward

• Tried reasoning and multimodal approaches, they worked fine, but today’s models are so much better than what I experimented with

• Played with custom GPTs, that was pretty good!

My initial reaction was: meh, it’s good, but it needs a lot more work!

After the latest release of GPT 5.2 and Claude Opus 4.6 (the earlier version was decent too), the responses were much better.

With the focus on improving reasoning, GPT has become less suited for coaching, in my opinion, than Claude. With the right instructions, Claude does the Socratic style of coaching so well. It was less sycophantic, and sometimes it made me feel as if I was talking to a human who was respecting my instructions. (I added a few coaching models and ICF core competencies in the instructions.)

I am convinced that AI will replace surface-level coaching.

What AI coaching can and can’t do?

So if you are a coach working at the surface level, it is time to upskill and get really good at the coaching skills beyond thinking and pattern matching. Because AI will do that better than you.

But coaching is not about that. It’s not just the questions asked by the coach. It’s not just reframing your negative thoughts. It’s not just asking you to think differently.

There are multiple reasons why AI coaching falls short for deeper work.

It is the personal connection that matters. AI cannot replicate human empathy, at least not fully. AI can replicate cognitive empathy, but not affective or relational empathy. A human coach doesn’t just understand a client’s emotions. They feel them, in their nervous system, in their body, in real time.

A good coach does not just follow a template. They know their tools deeply, but the question or exercise they choose in the moment is far more spontaneous than anything an AI can produce.

AI’s context is limited to what you share with the model or what you bring to the coaching conversation. But a human coach’s context is not just the conversation. It is also the things you did not say, the defensive patterns that keep showing up in real time, the slight shift in your tone, the body language, and the mismatch when you say yes but your body says no. The machine won’t understand that. (One could argue that with different machines capturing image and body sensations, you could automate this too. But that is not possible with the way current LLM models are developed. That is for another article.)

AI does not understand the politics and the shadow dynamics of organizations. A human can sense that, feel that.

And then there is the sycophancy problem. AI is just too nice to you. Claude did a better job than GPT, but it’s still not as good as a human. A good coach knows when to support and when to challenge the client. That decision is sometimes based on the nuances I mentioned above.

And for a quick question about goal achievement, performance, or getting some encouragement to feel good, hell yeah, why not use AI? But for more transformational and constructive developmental coaching, AI won’t be enough, and sometimes it can backfire. You don’t want someone telling you that you are always right when clearly something is not working for you.

How do I use AI in my practice?

I use AI for the operational and mundane parts of coaching. I also use it while I am with a client, if they are comfortable. What it allows me to do is really focus on the client’s story and be truly present with them, with the peace of mind that no detail, like that one project the client mentioned, gets lost. It also helps me go back to the conversation afterward, analyze my coaching, and improve my skills. My inner coaching self is eternally thankful.

I prepare 360s with AI. I still control what goes into the report, but a huge part of the analysis of raw data and structuring is done by AI. That is the primary reason I am able to give 360 analysis as part of my coaching without charging a huge extra fee.

A quick note on data privacy. I am using a custom tool using LLM APIs. I am mindful of data regulations in the regions I operate in. Personally identifiable information is removed before running the model.

The future of coaching!

The future of coaching will be a collaboration between humans and AI, and I think it will be a beautiful one. AI is not automating coaching, it is augmenting it. AI will do what it does best: analysis, memory, and processing. Humans will do what they do best: deep listening, presence, and connection.

As McKinsey put it, “Leadership is ultimately a uniquely human endeavor” (McKinsey, Jan 2026). AI won’t change that. But it will change how we support it.

People who have used AI for coaching, what was your experience like? My fellow coaches, where do you draw the line between what AI should and shouldn’t do in coaching?

Note: It is an opinion article

I just made my first YouTube-style video… and I’m honestly a little amazed that it came together.

For a recent academic project, I decided to experiment: instead of writing about the future of work, I tried showing it in a short video. Thank you, Janet Greco, for the opportunity and inspiration.

Here’s how it came to life:
Script: written by me
Visuals: generated using OpenAI's Sora and Google's Gemini
Editing, narration, and all the awkward retakes: also me 🙂

Is it perfect? Definitely not.

Is it “okay-ish” quality for a one-woman production team using AI tools? I’m actually really proud of that!
And I’m pretty sure if I remake this a month from now, the visuals will be so much better (you probably won’t see the garbage text and floating hands, lol).

With just my laptop and a few AI tools, I was able to turn an idea in my head into something visual and shareable.

If you watch it, I’d love to know—what do you think of the idea in the video and the way the story is told?

In a recent podcast, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman remarked about his unborn child: “My kid is never gonna grow up being smarter than AI.” This thought-provoking statement raises several important questions: Will AI replace human intelligence in the workplace? What will the future workplace look like when machines surpass human cognitive abilities? Are we entering an era where workplace opportunities are threatened by machines, or will human-machine collaboration lead to unprecedented opportunities?

The rapid advancement of Artificial Intelligence (AI) is reshaping industries and transforming the way we work. By 2030, an estimated 30% of work hours across the U.S. economy could be automated through generative AI technologies, affecting industries ranging from STEM to creative fields, business, and legal professions.

A study by OpenAI and the University of Pennsylvania reveals that around 80% of the U.S. workforce could have at least 30% of their tasks influenced by Large Language Models (LLMs), with approximately 19% of workers experiencing changes to at least 50% of their tasks.

As AI evolves into a general-purpose technology, its impact on the workforce will vary. Some jobs will be enhanced by AI, while others will be replaced. High-skill roles requiring creativity and decision-making are likely to be augmented by AI, enabling greater efficiency and productivity. In contrast, low-skill jobs involving repetitive or routine tasks face a higher risk of automation and replacement in the near future.

This monumental shift suggests that the traditional dominance of knowledge jobs may soon decline. Both white-collar and blue-collar roles are poised for disruption. Beyond automating knowledge work, AI-driven robotics could take over tasks ranging from factory work and warehouse operations to cooking and cleaning.

This leads to a critical question: In a world where AI can perform both cognitive and mechanical tasks, what jobs will remain resilient to automation?

The Resilience of Human-Centric Roles

With the rapid developments in generative AI capabilities, concerns about job security are understandable. In this era of AI transformation, cross-skilling, up-skilling and re-skilling have become essential for staying relevant. Thinking jobs will be replaced or augmented by AI soon.

Naturally, questions arise: If thinking AI can replicate human cognition, could it also replicate human emotions with a Feeling AI? The current form of Feeling AI is designed much like Thinking AI but relies heavily on emotional data. In some cases, Feeling AI can even surpass human capabilities in emotional recognition. However, computer scientists continue to debate whether this approach is the right way to developFeeling AI that can mimic—or potentially surpass—human emotions.

Human emotions are deeply biological. Even a newborn baby, with no prior exposure to data, can naturally express emotions. Moreover, when machines begin to behave exactly like humans, they risk entering the “uncanny valley,” where their human-like qualities evoke discomfort. This is one reason humanoid robots designed to look exactly like humans, such as Sophia, are less widely accepted than more mechanical designs like Tesla Optimus.

Human interaction is inherently biological and evolutionary. While some people may feel more comfortable interacting with machines than with other humans—like in the movie Her—most will continue to value human-to-human connections, particularly in roles where trust, empathy, and emotional understanding are crucial.

So what are the jobs that are resilient to AI?

In a recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates described AI as “the biggest technical advance in my lifetime,” with a more significant impact than the personal computer, the smartphone, or even the internet. Yet, roles requiring creativity, empathy, and human interaction—such as social workers, therapists, and educators—are expected to remain resilient.

While technology can enhance fields like mental health and education by providing tools and support, the uniquely human traits of understanding, empathy, and adaptability are challenging for AI to replicate. These qualities are likely to become the cornerstone of the future workforce, highlighting the enduring importance of human-centric roles.

Before exploring the skillsets of the future, let us take a step back to examine the evolution of economies and how they have shaped our work landscape over time. To understand which roles will thrive in the future, it is helpful to trace how technological advancements have historically reshaped economies and skill sets.

The Evolution of Economies: From the Physical Economy to the Feeling Economy

The skills defining the workforce have always evolved alongside technological advancements. As Artificial Intelligence (AI) progresses, it continues to replace tasks once performed exclusively by humans, reshaping economies and redefining work.

AI can broadly be categorized into three types as outlined by Rust and Huang:

Mechanical AI: Automates repetitive, physical tasks, such as car manufacturing.

Thinking AI: Focuses on analytical and knowledge-based tasks. For example, IBM's Watson, which augments decision-making in fields like healthcare and finance. The thinking AI deals with analytical thinking and intuitive thinking.

Feeling AI: A level still emerging, designed to recognize and respond to emotions, social cues, and contextual data. While it is far from fully replicating human emotional intelligence, Feeling AI aims to engage empathetically in tasks requiring emotional depth, such as customer interactions and therapeutic applications​.

In the past, physical labor was the most sought-after skill, defining what we now classify as the Physical Economy (late 18th century to early 20th century).

During the Industrial Revolution, mechanical AI took over much of the physical labor, giving rise to what can be described as the Thinking Economy (early 20th to early 21st century). This economy emphasized cognitive skills such as analysis and problem-solving, aligning with the emergence of knowledge-based industries. We are currently in the Thinking Economy.

Today, with generative AI and Large Language Models (LLMs) automating thinking tasks, we are transitioning into the Feeling Economy—an era that prioritizes interpersonal relationships, empathy, and emotional intelligence. Rust and Huang predict the Feeling Economy will dominate by 2036, as emotional intelligence becomes the defining skillset for workers​. For example, customer service representatives now handle only non-routine issues requiring empathy and judgment, as AI chatbots address standard queries.

However, with the pace at which generative AI is developing, I wonder whether the transition might happen earlier than their prediction. As we move closer to this new era, one thing is clear: to thrive in the Feeling Economy, individuals must focus on developing the human-centric skills that machines cannot replicate.

Preparing for the Feeling Economy

To thrive in the Feeling Economy, individuals must cultivate “soft skills” that prioritize human connection. As Bill Gates aptly observed, “The more human, the more engaged you are with other people—that is a skill set that is in such short supply”.

The key skills for succeeding in this new era include:

• Empathy: Understanding and sharing the feelings of others.

• Emotional Intelligence: Recognizing and managing emotions in oneself and others.

• Communication: Effectively conveying ideas and fostering mutual understanding.

• Interpersonal Skills: Building and maintaining strong relationships.

• Coaching and Leadership: Guiding and inspiring others toward growth and success.

• Creativity: Thinking innovatively and solving problems uniquely.

Cultivating these skills not only ensures personal growth but also positions individuals to thrive in the emerging opportunities of the Feeling Economy.

Emerging Opportunities in the Feeling Economy

The Feeling Economy will drive entrepreneurial growth and expand the service industry. As AI takes over the thinking aspects of many tasks, humans will have greater capacity to focus on personal connection, creating fertile ground for solopreneurs and small businesses leveraging AI to enhance their services.

The service industry is poised to thrive in this new economy. We can expect the emergence of innovative products, services, and industries that emphasize human connection. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, the dating app Quarantine Together used AI to match users while prioritizing human interaction, demonstrating how technology can facilitate meaningful relationships.

People-facing roles in healthcare, education, and other service industries will become increasingly vital. Human-AI collaboration will also play a key role, blending the analytical strengths of AI with the emotional and intuitive capabilities of humans to create more impactful and empathetic solutions.

People working in STEM jobs will continue to have opportunities, but the scope and number of these opportunities may evolve. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to imagine a manager overseeing a team composed of both humans and machines.

As these opportunities emerge, the need for a workforce equipped with empathy, creativity, and interpersonal expertise becomes paramount. To seize these opportunities, the education system must adapt to prioritize skills that prepare individuals for success in the Feeling Economy.

Rethinking Education for the Future

To equip the next generation for success in the Feeling Economy, education must evolve. The traditional focus on analytical thinking needs to shift toward cultivating soft skills that prioritize human connection and emotional intelligence.

Effective educational strategies for this transformation include:

• Group Work: Encouraging collaboration and improving communication skills by engaging students in team-based projects.

• Leadership Development: Providing opportunities to guide and inspire others, such as leading initiatives or mentoring peers.

• Interactive Assignments: Fostering interpersonal skills through activities like presentations, role-playing, and group discussions.

By prioritizing these approaches, educators can help students develop the empathy, adaptability, and interpersonal expertise needed to thrive in the AI-augmented workforce. By equipping the next generation with these skills, we can ensure they are prepared to collaborate with AI, unlocking the full potential of the Feeling Economy while emphasizing the traits that make us uniquely human.

A Future Defined by Human Connection

As AI continues to transform the workforce, the Feeling Economy will emphasize what makes us uniquely human. Instead of competing with AI, we must learn to collaborate with it as an equal partner. By focusing on empathy, creativity, and interpersonal relationships, we can build a future where humans and AI work together to unlock our collective potential. AI will take on thinking jobs, while humans will excel in feeling jobs.

Sam Altman is likely correct about the future generation. With AI poised to surpass humans in cognitive abilities, the question arises: What should the next generation focus on? Kartik Hosanagar, Professor and Co-Director of AI at Wharton, advises his children to prioritize developing soft skills. As AI takes over menial and repetitive tasks, the next generation will have the opportunity to engage in meaningful, passion-driven work, leveraging technology to their advantage.

From an optimistic perspective on AI, the Feeling Economy offers a chance to redefine success by embracing what makes us uniquely human—empathy, creativity, and meaningful relationships. With fewer hours spent on mundane labor, we can move higher up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, focusing on self-actualization and deeper connections.

The Feeling Economy invites us to embrace what makes us uniquely human—empathy, creativity, and relationships. By collaborating with AI, we can redefine success, focus on meaningful work, and create a future where technology enhances our collective potential.

References

Eloundou, T., Manning, J., Mishkin, P., & Clark, J. (2023). GPTs are GPTs: An early look at the labor market impact potential of large language models. Retrieved from https://www.mckinsey.com/mgi/our-research/generative-ai-and-the-future-of-work-in-america

McKinsey Global Institute. (2023). Generative AI and the future of work in America. Retrieved from https://www.mckinsey.com/mgi/our-research/generative-ai-and-the-future-of-work-in-america

Rust, R. T., & Huang, M. H. (2020). The Feeling Economy: How artificial intelligence is creating the era of empathy.

SHRM. (2023). Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates on AI and job disruption. Retrieved from https://www.shrm.org/topics-tools/news/oprah-bill-gates-ai-job-disruption

Fortune. (2025). Sam Altman discusses AI and the future workforce. Retrieved from https://fortune.com/2025/01/18/sam-altman-openai-kid-smarter-than-agentic-ai-ability-skills/

Hosanagar, K. (2023). Interview with Kartik Hosanagar on AI and skills. Retrieved from

Note: LLMs were used to do language and grammar checks for this article.

Image Generated by Meta AI.

The new industrial revolution—the AI revolution—is here! Artificial Intelligence is transforming every aspect of our work lives, and coaching is no exception. Since COVID-19, virtual coaching has become the norm, making it easier than ever to access. With sessions conducted over Zoom, coaches and clients are no longer restricted by geography. Today, technology supports coaching in many ways: tools for scheduling, contracting, managing client progress, and gathering feedback make the coaching process smoother and more efficient. As AI plays a more prominent role, coaches also find new opportunities to personalize and enhance the coaching experience.

Yes, this is another blog about AI and its uses! So before we dive in, let’s tackle a fundamental question: What exactly is AI?

What is AI?

Artificial Intelligence (AI) might sound like just another buzzword, but it’s transforming how we live, work, and interact every day. Put simply, AI—specifically knowledge AI—refers to computer systems designed to perform tasks that would typically require human intelligence. These tasks include learning, reasoning, problem-solving, recognizing patterns, understanding language, and making decisions. We often interact with AI without even realizing it—whether it's receiving personalized recommendations on Netflix, scrolling through curated feeds on Instagram, shopping on Amazon, or using Google to find answers quickly. AI works behind the scenes, analyzing our preferences and behaviors to provide a better experience.

The real revolution began in 2022 when everyday people gained access to ChatGPT. ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chatbot that uses natural language processing to create humanlike conversational dialogue. It’s a form of generative AI (Gen AI).

What is Generative AI?

Generative AI is a type of artificial intelligence that can create new content. Unlike traditional AI, which focuses on recognizing patterns or making predictions from existing data, generative AI can produce things—such as text, images, music, and even videos—based on the data it has learned. Tools like ChatGPT and DALL·E are examples of generative AI in action.

Generative AI works by learning from many examples and using what it has learned to create something new. For instance, it can write articles, draw pictures, or even carry out entire conversations. The goal is to make something that feels original and natural—just as if it were created by a human. This type of AI is opening up a world of possibilities. It is being used for code generation, product development, sales and marketing, graphic and video design, customer support, and more.

Coaches and the coaching industry can benefit immensely from AI and generative AI. These tools can enhance client experiences, improve coaching strategies, and streamline administrative tasks. In the coaching world, the algorithmic power of AI is already used in simple, everyday tools for scheduling and client management. Assessment tools that predict individual traits based on responses also use simple algorithms. Additionally, transcription and meeting summarization tools like the Zoom AI assistant are readily available for coaches to leverage.

But beyond these essential tools, AI is beginning to do even more. Let’s talk about AI-enabled coaching.

AI-Enabled Coaching

AI-enabled coaching leverages artificial intelligence to make the coaching process more efficient and impactful. It’s not about replacing coaches—it’s about supporting them. AI can manage many behind-the-scenes tasks, allowing coaches to focus on what they do best: building human connections and helping clients grow. Imagine having an assistant who handles note-taking, scheduling, drafting follow-up emails, and preparing contracts. AI can handle all of this, freeing up the coach to spend more time listening, asking powerful questions, and understanding clients on a deeper level.

The true value of AI-enabled coaching lies in its ability to enhance human connection, enabling coaches to do more meaningful work without being bogged down by administrative tasks.

How Can Coaches Use AI to Enhance Their Practice?

A coach’s primary task is to help their clients grow, but running a coaching business involves much more than working directly with clients—it means wearing many hats. AI can help lighten this load by automating repetitive tasks and providing valuable support, allowing coaches to focus on what matters most: their clients.

Here are a few ways coaches can leverage AI to enhance their work:

Automate Repetitive Tasks: AI can take over routine tasks such as scheduling, sending reminders, and following up on emails. Scheduling and client management tools can handle appointment bookings, while AI assistants can send personalized reminders to clients. This reduces the time spent on logistics, making the coaching process more seamless and efficient for both coaches and clients.

Note-Taking Assistant: AI can serve as an invaluable assistant during coaching sessions by taking notes. Tools like Zoom's AI assistant or Otter.ai can transcribe conversations, allowing coaches to fully focus on their clients without the distraction of writing everything down. After the session, AI can help summarize key points, making it easier to prepare follow-ups and reflect on client progress.

Post-Session Note Organization: After a session, organizing notes and identifying key takeaways can be time-consuming. AI can assist by analyzing transcripts, summarizing action items, and highlighting important moments. This not only saves time but also ensures that no critical detail is overlooked.

Custom Homework Generator: AI can help coaches create personalized workbooks and assignments for clients. For those who thrive on structure and detailed support, AI can transform general templates into tailored exercises that align with each client's unique goals. This adds a layer of customization that helps clients feel genuinely seen and supported.

24/7 Coaching Support: The power of conversational AI can also be used to support clients between sessions. Often, clients are navigating their challenges independently between coaching sessions. For those who require additional support, need an accountability partner, or seek informational guidance, AI can bridge that gap. A conversational AI system trained with materials provided by the coach can ensure clients receive the appropriate type of support, using a technique called Retrieval-Augmented Generation (RAG). RAG enhances the accuracy and reliability of generative AI models with information retrieved from external sources. Imagine a general chatbot trained on coaching theories, which also has access to specific client information—like organizational details, job responsibilities, or family background. This enables the AI to provide more personalized answers that are relevant to the client's unique situation.

Thought Partner for the Coach: AI can also serve as a thought partner for coaches by offering fresh perspectives. Imagine an AI bot that explores different coaching methods or identifies common behavioral patterns. If you're unsure about which method might work best for a client, you can discuss it with the AI—much like consulting with a peer coach. It may just present a perspective you hadn’t considered. This kind of support allows coaches to be more creative and thoughtful, like having a peer coach who is available 24/7.

Resource Navigator: AI can assist in recommending resources for both coaches and clients. When working on a new problem with a client, AI tools can help you find relevant information quickly. A good coach is one who engages in lifelong learning, and with the abundance of coaching techniques and frameworks available, having a resource navigator is invaluable. Tools like Perplexity and Consensus offer advanced search options with a focus on academic research, making it easier to find high-quality information.

Marketing and Branding Support: For coaches who run their own businesses, AI can be a major asset for marketing and branding tasks. AI tools can assist in creating content for social media, drafting newsletters, and analyzing engagement metrics to determine what resonates most with the audience. This helps coaches maintain a consistent online presence without spending countless hours on marketing efforts.

The power of AI isn’t about replacing the human touch; it's about augmenting it—making coaching more impactful and accessible for everyone involved. As coaching expands beyond individual clients to larger teams and entire organizations, AI doesn’t just become helpful; it becomes a game-changer. These intelligent tools can exponentially increase effectiveness when working with multiple teams across different locations. Let’s explore how AI is revolutionizing organizational coaching and unlocking new potential for growth.

AI in Organizational Coaching

Coaching isn’t just about one-on-one sessions; it also plays a significant role in organizational development. In organizational coaching, where coaches work with entire teams or large groups, AI can have a major impact by simplifying data management and enhancing the effectiveness of coaching at scale.

Organization-Specific Tools: RAG (Retrieval-Augmented Generation) is a powerful technique when working with organizations. A large amount of data is already available within organizations, including surveys, performance reports, and 360-degree feedback about individuals. Additional specific information, such as organizational structure, wiki pages, and priority projects, is also accessible. With the help of RAG, this wealth of data can be leveraged to build various tools, such as conversational agents, personalized search engines, career navigation tools, communication support systems, and more.

For example, an employee seeking a promotion and looking to contribute to high-priority projects can use these AI-driven tools to strategically design their career path. In an environment where information overload is a challenge, personalized AI tools help employees focus on the data that is most relevant to them.

Data Collection, Consolidation, and Maximizing Group Dynamics: AI can assist in gathering information from multiple individuals, analyzing survey results, and consolidating feedback. This is particularly useful in large organizations where significant data needs to be processed to understand team dynamics. AI tools can automate the collection of feedback, analyze responses, and identify trends—providing coaches with a clearer picture of what’s happening across an organization. In a team coaching setting, this helps coaches gain deeper insights about each individual within a limited timeframe. AI also gives every team member the opportunity to express their opinion, which can contribute to building openness and psychological safety, in certain work environments.

Automating Administrative Tasks: AI can streamline administrative tasks for organizational coaching. For example, email automation ensures that team members receive reminders for sessions, complete necessary pre-work, or fill out post-session surveys. AI platforms can trigger follow-up actions based on certain milestones, ensuring that nothing falls through the cracks and that all participants remain engaged throughout the coaching process.

Continuous Coaching Engagement: After an effective coaching engagement, teams often want to continue building on what the coach has introduced, even without needing the coach’s active support. AI can help maintain momentum by mimicking the processes established by the coach for a longer period. This approach allows AI to help sustain cultural change within organizations without requiring a dedicated development team to build custom applications. When dealing with systemic challenges, AI can also be utilized to maximize impact at an organizational level.

By integrating AI into organizational coaching, coaches can manage the complexities of working with larger teams more effectively. It allows them to focus more on facilitating meaningful discussions and less on logistics, ultimately creating a more impactful experience for everyone involved. 

AI is a powerful tool in coaching. What makes AI so powerful is its access to data—but that power is a double-edged sword. If not managed properly, it can lead to unintended negative consequences. Let’s explore the ethical considerations involved in using AI for coaching.

Ethical Considerations of AI in Coaching

As AI becomes an integral part of coaching, it is crucial to address the ethical concerns that accompany it. AI's power to gather and analyze data also brings a significant responsibility: the need to protect clients' privacy and uphold trust within the coaching relationship.

Build Trust with a Strong Contract

Contracting is key in coaching. Ensure that every aspect of data usage is clearly outlined in the contract. If the client shares confidential information, make sure you have a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) in place to protect their privacy. Transparency about data handling, AI tool usage, and confidentiality builds trust and provides a strong foundation for an effective coaching relationship.

Data Privacy and Regulations

Data privacy is one of the most significant ethical concerns related to AI in coaching. Coaches must ensure that client data is handled securely and in compliance with relevant regulations. Privacy laws can vary significantly from one region to another; for instance, the USA has different regulations compared to Europe’s GDPR standards. Coaches who use AI need to be aware of these differences and ensure their practices align with the applicable rules wherever their clients are located. To protect clients' identities, data should be anonymized whenever possible. Anonymizing data involves removing personally identifiable information, ensuring that client insights can still be used for analysis without compromising confidentiality. This practice is particularly important when using AI to gather trends or generate reports involving multiple stakeholders and clients.

Defining Data Retention Policies

Another key consideration is data retention. Coaches need to establish clear data retention policies that outline how long client data will be stored and when it will be deleted. Transparency around these policies is crucial so that clients know exactly what is happening with their information. Additionally, clients should have the right to request the deletion of their data at any point.

Understand the Tools You Are Using

When incorporating AI into your coaching practice, it's crucial to understand the tools you're using in depth. This means looking beyond the features to understand how these tools handle data, where they store it, and what they use it for. Before integrating any AI tool into your coaching practice, it’s essential to thoroughly read and understand their data usage policies. These policies outline how the tool will use the data you provide, including whether data will be shared, stored, or used for training purposes. Coaches must understand these details to protect their clients' privacy and ensure responsible AI usage. Make sure your clients are also informed about how their data may be used, and obtain their consent before proceeding.

By understanding the tools you use, you can make informed decisions that uphold your ethical responsibilities as a coach. This ensures compliance with regulations and builds trust with your clients, as they will feel more secure knowing you’re taking their privacy seriously. 

Data Transparency and Trust

One major issue with the overuse of AI is a potential lack of trust in society. When AI-generated content and human-generated content look similar, it can become challenging to trust the source. Trust is fundamental in a coaching relationship. Coaches must be transparent about how, when, and where they use AI in their practice. For example, if a report is generated with the help of AI, this needs to be communicated to the client. Transparent communication helps to build trust within the coaching relationship and ensures that clients understand the human effort involved. If an AI generates an email or follow-up, specifying this can help amplify the human aspect of the interaction.

Client Consent and Comfort

AI tools can be very powerful, but they must always be used with the client’s consent. Coaches must listen to their clients and respect their preferences. If clients are uncomfortable with their data being used in specific ways, their wishes should be prioritized.

Clients will have varying perspectives and biases regarding the use of AI in coaching. For instance, clients from the tech industry might be more open to using AI tools, while those from more traditional industries may be less inclined. Age can also be a factor: older generations may feel less comfortable with AI, whereas Millennials and Gen Z clients are often more receptive to technology-enabled coaching. Additionally, clients in higher positions may share confidential information during sessions and could be especially wary about how their data is handled, preferring that it not be used at all. Ultimately, AI should be used to enhance the coaching experience, never to make clients feel uneasy or pressured.

Bias and Hallucination in AI Tools

AI systems learn from data, and if that data contains biases, the AI can inadvertently perpetuate them. Coaches must be cautious about the potential for bias in AI-generated insights. It’s crucial to regularly review and assess AI tools to ensure they provide fair and unbiased support to all clients, regardless of their background. Generative AI is powerful, but it also comes with the risk of "hallucination"—where the AI may generate incorrect or misleading information. Coaches should critically evaluate the outputs of AI tools and use them as a starting point rather than a definitive answer.

Avoid the Uncanny Valley

While AI can make coaching more efficient and effective, it’s crucial to balance technology with genuine human connection. The uncanny valley is a psychological phenomenon that describes the unease or discomfort people feel when encountering something that is almost, but not quite, human. To prevent this reaction, the tools coaches use should clearly function as tools—supporting the coaching process rather than attempting to replace the human element. Ensuring that AI remains an assistant, not an imitation of a human coach, helps maintain the authenticity of the coaching relationship.

By keeping these ethical considerations in mind, coaches can use AI responsibly, ensuring that it remains a positive force in their practice. Upholding client privacy, avoiding bias, and maintaining transparency are required to build trust and create an environment where clients feel safe and supported.

AI is reshaping industries across the globe, and coaching is no exception. By understanding and embracing AI's capabilities, coaches can harness its power to enhance their practice, streamline administrative tasks, and ultimately provide better support for their clients. However, adopting AI isn't about replacing human skills; it's about amplifying them. As Jensen Huang, CEO of NVIDIA, once said, "The real threat wouldn't be AI taking over jobs—it's more likely that 'the person who uses AI to automate some part of their job is going to take your job.” This is especially true in coaching. AI won't replace human coaches, but a coach who leverages AI effectively will have a significant edge.

If you’ve never used AI in your practice and are skeptical about its value, start by exploring some simple tools and experience the power of AI yourself. AI is here to stay, and when used responsibly, it can make coaching more impactful and accessible, all while preserving the human touch that lies at the core of this transformative practice.

Note: ChatGPT was used to do language check and sentence modifications in this blog. The cover image is generated by Meta AI 

Have you ever observed yourself reacting to a stressful situation at work in a way that didn’t quite make sense? Maybe you found yourself blaming a colleague for something or making excuses you didn’t fully believe. These are examples of defense mechanisms – strategies our brains use to protect us from anxiety or uncomfortable emotions.

So, What Are Defense Mechanisms?

Freud originally coined defense mechanisms, which have since been developed by other psychologists. Defense mechanisms are our mind's way of helping us cope with stress and protect our sense of self. While these mechanisms can sometimes help us in the short term, they often create unintended challenges, especially in the workplace.

Before diving into specific types, let us explore some ideas proposed by Freud.

Defense Mechanisms: Freud’s Theory

According to Freud, the mind has three major components: the id, ego, and superego.

• The id is the impulsive (and unconscious) part of our psyche that responds directly and immediately to basic urges, needs, and desires.

• The ego is the only part of the conscious personality. It’s what people are aware of when they think about themselves and what they usually try to project toward others.

• The superego is the moral component of the psyche, representing internalized societal values and standards. The superego incorporates the values and morals of society, which are learned from one’s parents and others.

According to Freud, the personality is formed by a constant struggle between these three parts. The ego must try to delay the id's sexual and aggressive urges, perceive and manipulate reality to relieve the resulting tension and cope with the superego's demand for perfection.

According to Freud when the id (instinctual desires), ego (reality), and superego (morality) are in conflict, the ego feels stress or anxiety. To reduce this internal tension, the ego unconsciously uses defense mechanisms to manage the demands of these competing forces.

The concepts of the id, ego, and superego are not universally accepted as scientifically valid in their original form in modern psychology. However, they continue to influence modern psychological thought and practice.

While Freud's theories have faced criticism, and many of his ideas are considered outdated today, the concept of defense mechanisms remains incredibly valuable. Understanding these mechanisms can give us insight into our own behaviors and help us navigate difficult emotions more effectively. Even though our understanding of psychology has evolved, the idea that we use certain unconscious strategies to protect ourselves is still very relevant. By recognizing these behaviors, we can better understand the challenges we face, especially in the workplace, and take steps toward personal growth.

Hierarchical Model of Defenses

Four Levels of Defense Mechanisms

George Eman Valiant Expanded on Sigmund Freud's work on defense mechanisms. Vaillant's model typically includes four levels of defense mechanisms, arranged from least mature to most mature:

• Psychotic Defenses: The most primitive level, including delusional projection and psychotic denial.

• Immature Defenses: Less adaptive mechanisms like projection, passive aggression, and acting out.

• Neurotic Defenses: More advanced defenses like intellectualization, repression, and reaction formation.

• Mature Defenses: The most adaptive defenses include humor, sublimation, and altruism.

Types of Defense Mechanisms

Immature Defenses

Projection: Projection is when we attribute our own unwanted feelings or traits to someone else. In the workplace, this might look like a manager criticizing an employee for being disorganized, when in reality, the manager themselves is struggling to keep track of tasks. This can lead to misplaced blame and create an environment of distrust.

Passive Aggression: This occurs when someone expresses their negative feelings in an indirect way. For instance, an employee might be upset about a decision their manager made but instead of speaking up, they start showing up late to meetings or missing deadlines. This behavior is a way of expressing their frustration without direct confrontation.

Acting Out: When emotions become too overwhelming, some people might act impulsively. Picture an employee who, after being criticized by their boss, slams their laptop shut and walks out of the meeting. Acting out is a way to release pent-up emotions but can be very disruptive in a professional setting.

Neurotic Defenses

Intellectualization: Imagine an employee who just received negative feedback on a project. Instead of acknowledging their emotions, they focus purely on the technical aspects of the feedback, dissecting it logically without addressing how it makes them feel. Intellectualization helps them avoid the emotional discomfort, but it also keeps them from fully processing their feelings.

Repression: This occurs when someone unconsciously pushes uncomfortable thoughts out of their awareness. For example, an employee might forget about a conflict they had with a coworker because it makes them anxious. While this can provide temporary relief, unresolved conflicts can resurface later and cause more issues.

Reaction Formation: This is when a person behaves in a way that is opposite to what they actually feel. In a workplace scenario, an employee might feel threatened by a new colleague’s skills but instead of admitting it, they go out of their way to compliment and befriend that person. This defense mechanism helps them mask their insecurities.

Mature Defenses

Humor: Using humor to cope with stress is one of the most effective mature defense mechanisms. For example, when a big project hits a roadblock, instead of getting overwhelmed, a team member makes a light-hearted joke to ease the tension. This not only reduces stress for everyone involved but also helps the team regain focus.

Sublimation: This involves channeling negative emotions into positive actions. Imagine an employee feeling frustrated by an unrealistic deadline. Instead of lashing out, they decide to put that energy into working more efficiently and finding creative solutions. Sublimation turns stress into productivity.

Altruism: Helping others can be a way to manage your own stress. In the workplace, this might look like someone volunteering to help a colleague who is overwhelmed, even when they themselves are under pressure. This act of giving not only supports the team but also allows the person to feel a sense of fulfillment and control.

What Can You Do to Get Out of Unhealthy Defense Mechanisms?

Defense mechanisms are a natural part of being human, but recognizing them is the first step to changing them. Here are some ways you can work through them:

Awareness

Start by observing your own reactions. Notice when you’re blaming others, making excuses, or avoiding situations. The more aware you are, the easier it becomes to recognize patterns and understand why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Changing Actions

Once you’re aware, try changing your actions. If you catch yourself projecting, take a step back and ask yourself what’s really going on internally. If you’re displacing stress, find healthier outlets – like exercise, meditation, or talking it out with a friend.

Thought Process

Challenge your thoughts. When you find yourself rationalizing, pause and ask if you’re being completely honest. What would happen if you admitted the truth, even just to yourself? Often, the fear of facing our own imperfections is worse than the reality.

Finding the root cause 

Ultimately, these defense mechanisms are how our subconscious communicates something to us. If a person is lashing out at someone, it could be a symptom where the person is feeling unheard. It could be a real scenario or a made-up one in your mind. You can use your defense mechanisms as a key to unlock your subconscious mind. Without judging, you can be curious about what is going on in your mind. 

Understanding these defense mechanisms can be transformative for all of us. We’re human – and defense mechanisms are part of being human. But when we recognize these behaviors in ourselves, we have the power to choose a different path. One where we’re more open, more collaborative, and a little kinder to ourselves and each other.

How Can Coaching Help You?

Coaching can be a powerful tool for overcoming defense mechanisms and developing healthier ways of coping with stress. Here’s how coaching can help:

Building More Emotional Awareness  

Coaching encourages you to explore and understand your emotions in a safe, supportive environment. By building emotional awareness, you can begin to recognize when defense mechanisms are kicking in. This understanding is the first step in changing automatic responses and replacing them with healthier, more constructive reactions.

Reprogramming Your Thoughts  

Often, our defense mechanisms are fueled by unproductive or negative thought patterns. Coaching helps you identify these thoughts and reframe them into more positive and realistic perspectives. By challenging irrational beliefs and habitual ways of thinking, you can reduce reliance on defense mechanisms and cultivate healthier responses to stress.

360-Degree Feedback  

Receiving honest, well-rounded feedback is crucial for personal growth. A coach can facilitate 360-degree feedback from peers, subordinates, and supervisors, helping you see yourself more clearly. This process can reveal blind spots and defense mechanisms that may be hindering your success. A coach can then help you create actionable steps to address these issues and enhance your overall effectiveness.

Mindfulness Practices  

Mindfulness is a powerful tool for managing your emotional reactions and staying present. Coaching often incorporates mindfulness practices to help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This heightened awareness allows you to respond to stressors in a deliberate manner rather than defaulting to automatic defense mechanisms.

Accountability  

One of the most valuable aspects of coaching is accountability. A coach will work with you to set realistic goals and hold you accountable for making progress. This level of support ensures that you stay committed to changing your habits and overcoming defense mechanisms. Accountability helps you follow through on your intentions, making lasting personal growth possible.

Developing Better Coping Strategies  

Coaching helps you identify and develop healthier coping mechanisms to replace maladaptive defenses. Instead of resorting to projection, acting out, or other harmful behaviors, coaching guides you toward constructive ways to manage stress, such as effective communication, emotional regulation, and problem-solving skills.

Enhancing Self-Reflection  

Through coaching, you learn to reflect on your behaviors, decisions, and emotions in a deeper way. This self-reflection helps you understand the underlying reasons for your actions and identify patterns that might not serve you well. By gaining insight into your behavior, you can make more informed choices and reduce the influence of defense mechanisms.

Strengthening Interpersonal Relationships  

Defense mechanisms often create barriers in our relationships. Coaching can help you improve your communication skills and build stronger, more authentic connections with others. By understanding your own behaviors and learning to express your emotions openly, you create a more trusting and supportive environment in the workplace and in your personal life.

Building Resilience  

Life's challenges are inevitable, but how we respond to them makes all the difference. Coaching helps you build resilience by equipping you with tools and techniques to face difficulties head-on. Instead of avoiding or denying stressful situations, you learn to approach them with confidence and a proactive mindset. This shift not only reduces your reliance on defense mechanisms but also helps you grow stronger through adversity.

Defense mechanisms are part of our human experience, often arising to protect us from emotional discomfort. While they can serve a purpose, overreliance on them can hinder personal and professional growth. By recognizing and understanding these unconscious behaviors, we can make more intentional choices about how we respond to stress. This self-awareness, combined with supportive coaching, can lead to deeper emotional resilience, improved relationships, and a more fulfilling work life.

References

A History of Modern Psychology: Book by Duane P. Schultz and Sydney Ellen Schultz

Evidence Based Coaching Handbook: Putting Best Practices to Work for Your Clients: Book by Dianne R. Stober and Anthony M. Grant

Defense mechanism Wikipedia

Who is a coach? 

Coaching is one of the most confusing professions in the modern world. If you ask a coach about what you do or how you coach, the answer will differ depending on whom you ask. Coaching spans from niche areas like athletic, financial, relationship, and health coaching to career, team, and executive coaching. 

In addition, there are no set requirements, regulations, or mandatory education requirements for coaching. Anyone can call themselves a coach!

This makes distinguishing between a “real;” and a “snake-oil” coach difficult!  

Various coaching organizations such as ICF and universities invest their time and effort to make coaching more regulated.

So, what exactly is coaching? 

Coaching is a multidisciplinary approach to facilitating learning and change that supports personal reflection, meaning-making, and achieving specific personal and/or professional objectives. It originates in various fields of study, including psychology, psychiatry, medicine, physics, systems theory, linguistics, therapy, hypnosis, management development, anthropology, leadership theory, organization development, training, selling, religion, and philosophy.

Jenny Rogers defines coaching as the art of facilitating another person’s learning, development, well-being, and performance. Coaching raises self-awareness and identifies choices. Through coaching, people can find their own solutions, develop their skills, and change their attitudes and behaviors. The whole aim of coaching is to close the gap between people’s potential and their current state.

Before getting into the coaching process, let me clarify what coaching is not!! 

Coaching is not 

• Advice Giving 

• Therapy 

• Mentoring 

• Performance Evaluation 

• Consulting 

• Training

Now you understand what coaching is. But how will you decide whether you need coaching or not? 

There are various narratives about coaching out there!! Are coaches hired to fix problems and improve underperforming employees? Or are they therapy for “healthy” people? Is therapy past-focused and coaching future-focused? 

Let's understand the principles of coaching based on Jenny Rogers's book Coaching Skills: The Definitive Guide to Being a Coach.

Coaching Principles  

Principle 1: The client is resourceful 

Principle 2: The coach’s role is to develop the client’s resourcefulness through skillful questioning, challenge, and support.

Principle 3: Coaching addresses the whole person - past, present, and future 

Principle 4: The client sets the agenda 

Principle 5: The coach and the client are equals 

Principle 6: Coaching is about change and action 

Before deciding whether you need coaching, let us also describe different types of coaching! Remember, this is only a loose description, and the definition can vary based on your chosen dimension.

Based on the client's demographics and goals 

1. Traditional sports coaches who work from client-centric methods. 

2. Nowadays, many advisory services refer to their services as coaching. Examples are health, financial, acting, and marriage coaching.

3. Life coaches who work on whole-life dilemmas, including personal relationships, work-life balance, planning for the future, etc. 

4. Situational coaching like performance, engagement, systemic, Developmental 

5. Organizational Coaching includes team, managerial, and leadership coaching and executive coaching.

Based on the theories used

You might have heard many coaches add methods they use for coaching. Some examples are Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Cognitive Behavioral Theory (CBT), Psychodynamic, Hypnosis, Narrative, Systemic, Solution-Focused, etc. These are based on particular schools of therapy. The more popular ones have branched out and created training courses. Coaches who train in these methods approach coaching based on these theories and tools. 

With all these options available, how do I choose a coach? Since there are no specific regulations, it becomes harder! 

This is where evidence-based coaching plays an important role!!

So, what is Evidence-based coaching? 

Grant coined evidence-based coaching to distinguish between professional coaching explicitly grounded in theoretical and empirical knowledge bases from “pop psychology.”

Evidence-based practice is the idea that occupational practices should be based on scientific evidence. Linking coaching practice with existing knowledge of science and practice is important in enhancing credibility. This shifts from focusing on primary techniques and skills to a broader and deeper understanding of relevant knowledge in coach education. To address this, an increasing number of coaches from various disciplines have developed coaching methodologies explicitly grounded in the academic knowledge base. Coaching is a cross-disciplinary methodology, and people from various professional backgrounds are now working as coaches. The backgrounds include behavioral and social sciences, organizational change and development, psychoanalytical therapy, cognitive and behavioral psychology, adult education, and business and economic science.

Does that mean evidence-based practitioners need to be researchers or develop prescriptive intervention models? The answer is No. Informed practitioners are expected to be insignificant research producers. They are the consumers of research who can utilize their research, theoretical frameworks, information, and critical thinking skills to improve their practices and understanding of coaching. 

Here are some theories and frameworks widely used by evidence-based practitioners. Practitioners can adopt a few theories, which will change their approach to coaching. Experienced and effective practitioners can use multiple theories and pick the one that suits the client’s needs and circumstances!

1. Coaching from a humanistic and transpersonal psychology perspective 

2. Behavioral and Cognitive theories based coaching 

3. Coaching from a neuroscience perspective 

4. Psychoanalytically informed coaching 

5. Positive psychology-based coaching 

6. Coaching grounded in Adult Development Theory 

7. Coaching from a social and cultural perspective

8. Coaching rooted in systems theory and Family systems therapy 

9. Coaching from communication and conflict management theories 

10. Career and change management 

11. Organizational theories 

12. Spirituality based coaching

13.  Self-help and Human Potential Movements 

14. Mindfulness-based theories

Some popular theories are used in coaching but are a partial list. 

The coaching methodologies might be very different depending on the coach's theory. However, a good coach can incorporate various techniques and theories while working with the client. 

I plan to write a series of articles demystifying coaching focused on each of these popular theories and types of coaching. 

The content in this article is adapted from books The Handbook of Knowledge-Based Coaching: From Theory to Practice, The Handbook of Knowledge-Based Coaching: From Theory to Practice, Coaching Skills: The definitive guide to being a coach.

Images used in the article are generated by chatGPT! 

Please reach out to me at athiradas@greymahout.com to learn more about coaching!!

Are you working at a tech company in the bay area? Are you finding it difficult to find a date for yourself? Are you tired of swiping on major dating apps? Are you tired of going on unsuccessful first dates? Are you tired of having meaningless conversations that go nowhere? Or are you scared of dating altogether? Don't worry; I will help you find a long-lasting relationship in the bay area. 

Can we pause here for a moment? Take a deep breath. Are you considering making a project plan with deadlines and deliverables to find a partner in a two-week sprint? Have you decided to spend the first 37% of that time rejecting people? Are you interested in some dating advice to win the maximum number of right swipes and increase the conversion rate? Are you expecting some stunning pickup line to start a conversation with a potential date? I am sorry, I will not give you any dating advice.! But if this clickbait-y title made you curious, you probably expect one of these things when trying to date! 

• You want to find a partner in the Bay Area. 

• You need a strategy and an easy process for finding a partner. 

• You probably are tired of dating or are not motivated to start dating! 

• You probably ignored this area of your life, and now you need to figure out where and how to start! 

• You already have a partner, and you are curious. ROFL!

But let me start by saying there is no easy or faster way to do it. But you can approach dating like a product you build if you know what you need in a relationship. A project plan won't hurt you, and in fact, it might give you better results. We invest tremendous time and effort and make proactive plans for every other area of your life. So for one of the most important decisions of your life, why can't we have a plan? Some people would say love cannot be planned. It just happens! But I can't entirely agree with that idea. Long-term relationships are similar to a product you build with deliverables and milestones. You must be deliberate about choosing your partner. Don't be clueless, don't accept anything that comes your way, and don't wait for the right person to come "just like that." And indeed, only settle for someone right for you! 

Before developing strategies for starting dating, let's understand the different stages of a relationship. Dr. Susan Campbell defined the five stages of a relationship as 

1. Romance/Honeymoon stage - We fall in love with our partner. We focus on the similarities rather than seeing the partner's flaws. 

2. Power Struggle - The differences become dominant. You might focus on changing your partner. Sometimes, punish them for not being what you think they once were. Most breakups happen during this stage in a relationship. 

3. Stability - The couple accepts their differences, acknowledges the struggles of a relationship, and agrees with each other for who they are and the relationship. In simple terms, the highs of the honeymoon stage and the struggles of power struggle will settle down, and the relationship will become stable.  

4. Commitment - You and your partner have chosen to be with each other. Couples make big decisions like getting married, having a child, and buying a house together at this stage. 

5. Bliss - You and your partner have become a team, and now you can bring great things to the relationship and the world. The "unconditional love" can be experienced at this stage. 

Ideally, the couple would go through these stages in the order mentioned. But it is possible to move back and forth throughout the stages and relapse into the power struggle stage at any point in life. The time you spend at different stages can vary from months to years. 

Now you understand that relationships are more complicated than just falling in love. It requires conscious and constant effort.

Most "rom-com" movie plots are like this! Boy meets girl, they fall in love, and they live happily ever after! But life does not end there, and you must navigate through all these stages for a fulfilling relationship. 

The reality is this. 

Honeymoon: The boy had a crush on a girl. He would go to great lengths to catch a glimpse of her. He mustered up the courage to talk to her, and they hit it off immediately. They went on long walks, held hands, and stole kisses under the moonlight. Soon, they became inseparable, spending all their time together. 

Power Struggle: As they got to know each other better, they realized they had some fundamental differences. They started getting on each other's nerves and arguing all the time. 

Stability: One day, they both got tired of fighting and decided to have a conversation. They listened to each other's concerns and realized they didn't have to agree on everything to be happy together. They chose to accept each other for who they were. Their relationship became stable but also somewhat dull. They realized that they needed to bring the fun back into their relationship. So they started planning adventurous dates to bring the joy back. 

Commitment: Eventually, they got married and had a child together.

Bliss: They were deeply in love, but their relationship was imperfect. They still had their ups and downs, but they knew they could overcome any obstacle as long as they had each other. 

So, the moral of the story is that real-life romance is not all sunshine and rainbows. It's messy, it's complicated, and sometimes it's downright ridiculous. But if you're willing to navigate through all the stages, you might just find your happily ever after. So if I haven't scared you enough, let's continue talking about step 1: The Romance stage. 

The early part of the romance stage is when you meet a person and decide whether to invest time and effort to get to know the person. The "falling in love" part comes in the next stage. Thais Gibson calls this first part of the relationship the "Dating stage." Some relationships will not pass the dating phase to reach the honeymoon phase. This blog is about the strategies we can make before and during the dating stage, which will be the foundation of the relationship. These strategies are going to help you navigate the further stages also. 

Now we understand how a relationship progresses. Even though relationships are a universal phenomenon, each individual's needs and expectations might differ. Some people want long-term relationships; some are looking for casual relationships. Some want to build a family, and some prefer only companionship. Some people have cultural expectations and pressure. Some people like to find the right one early in their life. Some like having a relationship later in life. And some choose to stay single. Also, dating in your twenties looks very different from your thirties, forties, and fifties. Building a universal plan might be tricky. But it is not impossible. The rest of the article explains a framework that helps you develop your unique plan for YOU! So let me put on my PM hat and present the 7-step process for finding love!

1. Question your limiting beliefs! 

Let's dig into BTEA (Beliefs, Thoughts, Emotions, Actions) regarding dating. Your beliefs drive your thoughts. Thoughts trigger emotions. And your actions or coping mechanisms are taken based on those emotions. 

So, your beliefs are in the driving seat of your love life. It is crucial to differentiate your "beliefs" and "limiting beliefs." So what are limiting beliefs? Limiting beliefs are beliefs about yourself or others that stop you from pursuing your goals. 

In dating, we can categorize limiting beliefs into three categories. 

• About dating 

• About yourself 

• About potential partners (Usually your beliefs about the opposite gender, if you are looking for a heterosexual relationship)

List down all the limiting beliefs you have and try to question them. You will soon find that they are just thoughts. Most of them are not true! Sometimes, you might find that it is true, but let me tell you something, any belief that blocks you from achieving your goals is limiting belief, even if your subconscious mind is not aligned with that. 

Once you get hold of your limiting beliefs, think about the thoughts stemming from those beliefs. The third step would be identifying the emotions you are feeling on a psychological and physiological level when replaying those thoughts in your mind. The final step would be identifying your actions to protect yourself and your limiting beliefs. 

Reprogram your limiting beliefs, question the negative thoughts, and regulate your emotions. Stop taking those actions that are blocking you from reaching your goal.

2. Know your non-negotiables, standards, and preferences. 

Before installing the dating app on your phone, you must know your non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are traits, values, and qualities you seek in a partner and a relationship and are unwilling to compromise. Standards are things you look forward to in a romantic partner. But you are willing to compromise some of them if other things look good. Preferences are your "nice to have" list. 

This list would be unique for each individual. A non-negotiable trait would be a standard for someone and vice versa. E.g., Drinking would be non-negotiable for someone with a history of addiction in their family. But for another person, it can be a standard. Having an introverted nature can be a preference for someone, but for others, it can be a standard or even a non-negotiable. 

The list is split into three categories to understand the areas that can be compromised and not sacrificed. If you have a longer non-negotiable list, it will be an excellent place to pause and do an audit. Ask yourself, Are you a little perfectionist or not? Because in real-life, people only meet some of those criteria. It would be good to do another audit and see whether some of them can be moved to standards and preferences list. If you don't have anything on your non-negotiable list, that's also not good. That means you don't know what you are expecting in a relationship. Imagine developing software without standards and hoping it would magically work when you run the code. 

If you have never thought about this list and cannot come up with one right now, don't worry. Thinking about it is the beginning. If you already have a huge inventory and are stressed about finding someone to meet all these criteria, don't worry! You can always add or remove items from the list once you start the process. The idea is to be intentional and aware of what you expect in a relationship! 

3. Enjoy the process. Not the outcome 

Enjoy the dating process. Stay calm about the outcome. Being detached from the result will help you to stop worrying about each interaction. You will be able to evaluate the date more objectively. There will be good, bad, awkward, and funny dates. Sometimes you might not find the "love of your life," but you make some good friends. When you stop putting pressure on yourself and the dates, you can be authentic and enjoy the date. A wrong date is a good opportunity for you to look back at the list of traits and make changes accordingly. Dating is an agile process. 

4. Communicate your needs 

Communicating your needs is the key to any successful relationship. It starts with understanding your needs and ensuring the other person knows them. It would be nice and romantic if they could mind-read and do everything for you. But the reality is mind reading is a dangerous tool. It will lead to miscommunication, lack of fulfillment, and cracks in any relationship. There should be a two-way communication system in place. It would be best to understand the other person's needs too. Some people might need to improve at communicating their needs. In that case, you can be an example and encourage them too. 

5. Know your boundaries 

Knowing your boundaries and setting appropriate boundaries is essential to avoid resentment in the future. Boundaries are broadly classified into physical, emotional, time, intellectual, material, and sexual boundaries. You should be comfortable saying no to anything violating your boundary. At the same time, you should also respect your date's boundaries. The definition of boundaries might be different for different people. So you need to communicate your boundaries with clarity. If you have a firm boundary and someone violates it, that's a red flag. If your date violates your boundary, which was not communicated, it's essential to address it once it has happened. If they are repeatedly violating the boundary and not trying to change, it should be a good call for you to stop investing in them. 

6. Evaluate, negotiate, and decide! 

The dating stage of a relationship is only a vetting stage. There is no commitment; you must evaluate the relationship before moving to the next step. You can leave room for negotiation if something is not looking great. You decide to move forward or end the relationship based on your evaluation. You can have a list of "metrics" or questions to evaluate the progress. That can look like asking yourself, Am I spending enough quality time in this interaction? Is this interaction meeting my personality needs? Overall the exchange should be pleasant and promise growth in the future!

7. Love yourself! 

Let me repeat the cliched quote. "The best relationship is the relationship with yourself." You should unconditionally love yourself. If that is missing, then every other relationship will fall apart. 

If you have read till here, thank you! I hope you are feeling better and hopeful about dating! The most important part of dating is to know yourself and communicate. If you tackle these two, it is as simple as writing the "Hello World" program!! 

Dating is simple if you are intentional about it. It's similar to building software! 

• You have an objective - what are you looking forward in a relationship?

• You create a project plan - Create a plan based on your non-negotiables, standards, and preferences.

• You start implementing the project - go for dates and have fun!

• You test the code and fix bugs - evaluate, negotiate, and decide.

Remember, it is an agile process, so be ready to learn, evaluate and make changes accordingly.

Thousands of people are losing their jobs in the tech sector. We are hearing about layoffs almost daily now. For some people, it will immediately affect their daily lives; for some, it affects their visa status; for some, it affects their career and family planning. The reason for a layoff could be an economic downturn, pandemic, over-hiring, or change in leadership, but the pain experienced by the person who lost their job is real. Let me put it this way… "It sucks"! 

Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion that usually stems from losing a loved one. Is losing a job similar to losing someone that we love? Studies on psychological and neurobiological changes show it is very similar. Just like people respond to the passing of someone in different ways, employees react to losing a job differently. Regardless of how quickly you respond to the loss, your grief is real. 

If you are someone who lost their job recently, my heart goes out to you. By understanding grief and the grieving process, you might be able to come up with some solutions to help you get back to normalcy and make a plan for your future self.

What is Grief? 

According to the Mayo Clinic, grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or a terminal diagnosis they or someone they love have received.

Grief is a natural reaction to loss. You can have an overwhelming response to loss. You might experience shock, anger, disbelief, guilt, shame, or sadness. You can often feel numb and disconnected from the world. 

Why does losing a job feel painful? Why do we often compare losing a job with losing your loved one? Why do we grieve our job?

Psychological and Neurobiological Aspects of Grief 

Understanding the psychological and neurobiological aspects of grief will help understand the experience of loss. Psychological pain arises from unmet psychological needs, many of which may occur in the context of losing a job. Losing a job affects one's need for safety, comfort, purpose, growth, etc. Neurobiologically loss of a job disrupts the virtual map of our brain. The brain remains in a state of confusion until we update the map.

Grief vs. Grieving 

Grief and Grieving! These are the two terms we often hear after a loss. It is important to understand and differentiate between grief and grieving. Grief refers to the internal experience of a person after the loss. Grieving can be explained as how the person tries to express their feelings to the external world or cope with the loss. There is no universal definition or pattern for either of them. Both grief and the grieving process can vary for each individual. How one responds to the loss can vary depending on how one perceives the loss.

Individuals react to losing a job in three different ways.

1. Respond with anger and aggression 

2. Become overwhelmed and shutdown 

3. Feel the emotion about the situation and appropriately handle the emotion.

Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross describes the five stages of grief as

1. Denial 

2. Anger 

3. Bargaining 

4. Depression 

5. Acceptance

Before explaining the stages, let me clarify that these are different stages of grief, not grieving. That means these are internal experiences of the person after a loss, which is not a linear, predictable process. One might experience one or more emotions at a time. But for the sake of the explanation, I am referring to it as stages. Also, one can go back and forth between these stages. The five stages explain how a person might feel after the loss. Understanding would help them to process grief and make changes. 

So how do the five stages (states) look for a person who recently lost their job? 

1. Denial - One can start denying the reality or how they feel about the situation. Behaviorally it can look like avoidance, procrastination, irritability, occupying oneself with random meaningless tasks, not processing their emotions and thinking and saying that they are okay, living in a fantasy world etc. It can feel like numbness, shock, confusion, and shutting down.

2. Anger - Anger can look like having a pessimistic attitude towards the company, manager, friends, family, and the world. Some behaviors can look like cynicism, sarcasm, irritability, being aggressive or passive-aggressive, getting into arguments, and sometimes alcohol or drug use. The person can feel a lot of anger, frustration, impatience, rage, and feeling like everything is out of control. 

3. Bargaining - This is the stage where someone starts ruminating on the future and past. People will start playing "I should have, could have, and would have" in their minds. Some people overthink and overanalyze. They compare themselves with other people. They will feel guilty and ashamed of themselves. A person can experience fear, anxiety, and insecurity in this stage. 

4. Depression - Depression feels like sadness, lack of energy and motivation. Some people cry, and some people turn to coping mechanisms like drug and alcohol usage. They feel hopeless, helpless, and disappointed. 

5. Acceptance - People start accepting reality and make mindful changes in their day-to-day lives. That can look like accepting the loss of a job, accepting how they feel about it, reaching out for help, and making plans to change with reality. They show self-compassion, validation, and courage. A person in this stage feels good about themselves regardless of what has happened.

How to overcome Grief? - the Process of Healthy Grieving 

Now let us discuss how we can overcome grief and make plans for our future. After understanding the stages of grief, we know that reaching a stage of acceptance faster would help one to move through the grieving process quicker. The loss feels more intense initially, and it will get better over time. So if you want to take time to process what has happened, it's normal and completely healthy. You can make quick changes and feel normal again by identifying the reason behind your grief. 

So how can we figure out the reason for our pain? As I explained earlier, from a neuroscience perspective, we need to update our virtual map in the brain. In your virtual brain, your day might look like waking up at 7, having a quick breakfast, dressing up, driving to work, attending meetings, having lunch with colleagues, resuming work, and coming back home. But this is different from how the real map looks after losing a job. And your brain needs clarification because the maps are not matching. You need to update your virtual map. That would look like creating a new structure for yourself and your day.

An example would be "wake up at 7, have a healthy breakfast, start meditating, prepare for interviews, have lunch at the nearest restaurant, apply for jobs, and play tennis with friends. You decide the structure and be mindful about productively spending the time. Over time your mental map will get updated, and you will feel better. The virtual map is more than just the obvious things like routine or structure. When you are employed, your brain is conditioned to know when you are getting paid, where to find resources and support, and have the certainty of having access to resources like medical insurance. When everything is taken away abruptly, it takes time for the brain to get conditioned. By offering severance packages and continuous support for a few months, companies try to help you to get accustomed to the changes.  

From a psychological perspective, if you can identify the needs that are met by the different aspects of your job, it would help you to make changes in your day, and you would start feeling better quickly. But how do we do that?

1. List out functions and benefits that you enjoyed in your job. This can include the day-to-day operations, your team, technological and creative elements of the job, how you contributed to the company, the compensation you received, etc. 

2. Try to match these functions with a need that you were meeting. This would be different for different people. For example, working on a tech stack might meet the need for creativity for someone. But it would be learning for someone. Grieving the needs met by the specific aspect of your job will help you process the loss better than grieving the loss as a whole. 

3. Be creative and start meeting some of these needs within yourself and from other people or activities. This is where you wear your creative hat and figure out ways to learn new methods to meet your needs. If working on an AI product helped you to meet the need to be creative. You can bring your creativity in different ways into your life. You can continue doing creative tech projects or pick up a creative hobby. 

4. List out the skills you developed in your previous role and areas where you grew. This is an essential step to feeling gratitude and good about yourself. You learned, and you grew with the company. No matter where life takes you, the skills you learned will stay with you. It will help you to grow in your career.   

5. Ask yourself: What good things can happen to me because of this layoff? This question might be challenging to answer. If you just lost your job and are not in a state of mind to answer this question, you can stop here and come back to the final step later. Your first thought might be, "well.. Nothing good can come because of the layoff.. I lost my job, and that's it". Even though it is difficult to answer, your perspective about the job loss will change if you go through the final step. This would help you to grow and excel in the future career. If you can change the narrative, this isolated incident will not stay in your mind as a traumatic experience. 

It will be hard and uncomfortable, especially while doing the first few steps. When you write down everything you enjoyed in your previous role, the pain of losing it would hit you harder. But it is necessary to go through the pain. Get professional help if you need to. Processing the different aspects of grief with a professional would make it easier for you. But once you come out of this process, you will grow personally and professionally. 

Whenever you are in a better state of mind, start making a plan for yourself, whether it is interviewing at other places, switching roles, or careers. Rational thinking and a pragmatic approach will help you prepare for your next career adventure!

Note to Managers, Colleagues and Friends  

If you are a manager or teammate of someone who lost their job, the least you can do is show your support to them. For a manager, that might look like having a call with the person, being grateful, appreciating their work, and validating their experience. That would give them closure and courage to deal with their experience. They are people, not just resources. It’s a small world and you might be working with them again in future. If you are a teammate or a friend, check with them, and offer them support. Make them feel heard and seen!  

References 

• https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief

• Shneidman ES (1998). The suicidal mind: Oxford University Press, USA. [Google Scholar]

• https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/grief/grief-vs-mourning/

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_resilience

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

• https://www.washington.edu/counseling/2020/06/08/the-stages-of-grief-accepting-the-unacceptable/

• https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/mar/05/mary-frances-oconnor-the-grieving-brain-grief-psychology

• Mary-Frances O'Conner, The Grieving Brain, https://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Brain-Surprising-Science-Learn-ebook/dp/B093ZZ7HZY

• Brene Brown, Atlas of the heart, https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/

• Thais Gibson, Processing Grief For Inner Peace

2022 was the most peaceful and happy year until August. Life was perfect! I was content and hungry for life at the same time. Then in August, the crab came to our lives to give the most challenging few months of my life. Ending 2022 without my dad by my side. I need to get used to waking up without any WhatsApp notification from "Acha Personal"!

2022 taught me great life lessons! It taught me to enjoy life every day since nothing is permanent, be it happiness or sadness! You can plan life to an extent, but if it takes you on a rollercoaster ride, all you can do is hold tight and join the ride.

Early 2022 showed me that life would give you the best when you start loving yourself. Love is not the best vacation or the grandiose gestures. It is when you can enjoy the forgettable Wednesday like your first date. It is about open conversations and equal contribution. It is when disagreements do not become fights but a place to plan for a better tomorrow. Love is the tranquility you experience when you are together and the support you feel when you are away.

It gave me the hope and courage to try something new in life. Grey Mahout is just the beginning of something special.

2022 showed us how my family could stick together and navigate even the most challenging times with laughter and fun! Our house was happy even when we had to wake up in the middle of the night to change oxygen and check spo2 levels. Thank you, Acha, for teaching us to be better humans and to be ourselves! After his passing, many of his friends and colleagues told us, "we did not know that his condition was this bad. I spoke to him recently, and he never mentioned the seriousness of it". Well, that was my dad. He never whined about the disease. Never asked the question, "why me?". He just wanted to fight the disease. When the condition ate away most of his energy, he stored the little remaining for the things he loved! To be with the family and to give speeches. Even during the last few days of his life, he showed us how to live courageously and gracefully. Also, to live a life for you and others. If you love something, chase it until your last day. If something is not good for you, set a boundary and walk away. You know what's best for you, and only you would know it.

Coming back to the last five months of 2022 and the fight against cancer. I came home in August after three and half years. Everyone was happy, but the fear of the diagnosis was also there. Cancer cells do not just multiply and take up space in the patient's body. It will try to kill the joy, stability, and peace of mind in everyone in the family. It's f**ing hard! You do your best to make the patient comfortable, but the emperor of all maladies will fight back. It will crush the patient and you until you give up. But the best thing you can do is be with the person. Love and your presence can uplift them when their body and chemotherapy drugs are drowning them.

We made multiple hospital visits and stays for his treatment. The oncology department at Lakeshore Hospital is an experience I will never forget. You see patients and bystanders with their first scan report waiting for confirmation and to know the severity(stage) of the disease. You see young and older people who lost their hair and energy fighting the disease. You see survivors who can have their smiles and lives back. You also see people who walk into the hospital with fear or hope and return as motionless bodies. I saw families feeling helpless and hoping for a miracle in the oncology ward. The aunt or uncle in the next room will be gone one day, but the nurses and doctors continue trying to save or extend their lives. When the doctors estimate time and money and make a plan for your loved one's survival, you feel powerless. We saw and felt fear, hope, sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness, and love!

It can happen to anyone. My dad was not a smoker; he was pretty healthy until four months before his death. He was only 60. He used to do regular workouts and had a very active lifestyle when his body was fighting stage-4 adenocarcinoma with brain and bone metastasis.

I knew my dad would be gone any day in the next six months. I knew I would get a phone call and fly back to India anytime. But when it happened, I was angry and the thing I hated the most at that moment was this cruel disease!

I do feel his absence, smile, and his care every day. But at the same time, the great lessons he taught us will stay with us. On your 60th birthday, the only advice you gave my brother and me was to "Be Yourself"!

I am still grieving my dad. There are days when I miss him. There are days when I feel energized and feel proud that I was born as his daughter. There are days when I feel grateful for everything I have in life. There are days when I feel sad and wish my dad was still healthy and happy!

2022 was an eye-opening experience for me. It was a bag of happiness, love, care, fear, loss, grief, and hope. Well, that's what is called life, isn't it?

What keeps you drawn to your job? People who work in careers that are closest to their personality needs and character strengths are more likely to be successful and happy. 

Consider introverts and extroverts. Extroverted people thrive in social and people oriented workplaces, while introverts perform better in independent analytical tasks. Identifying your inherent character strengths (traits) will help you in building a successful career. Also neglecting personal needs at the workplace is one of the reasons for burnout.  

So how do you choose or amend your job to have a more fulfilling career? Let’s try to answer this question by asking a few more questions! Ask these three questions to yourself. 1) What are my inherent personal needs. 2) What are my character strengths? 2) What are the different career options  available in the area that I am interested in?  We will try to answer these questions in the coming sections. The end goal would be to find the overlap in these answers.

Why is working in alignment with your personality needs and character strengths important?

1. Better Culture fit 

2. Better job performance 

3. Higher job satisfaction

4. Personality needs and character strengths determines your strengths and growth areas/opportunities at work 

Six Basic Human Needs 

These are the most basic human needs that will rank in a different order for every individual and will likely determine or influence their behaviors. 

1. Growth - Desire to grow and expand in any area of life

2. Contribution - Desire to give or serve 

3. Significance - Desire to feel recognized, important, and/or meaningful 

4. Uncertainty (Novelty) - Desire for change, novelty, and exploration 

5. Certainty - Desire to feel safe and secure 

6. Connection - Desire to connect and build relationships with people

Personality needs Our personality needs are the needs that we organize our personality around. They impact our decisions, behavior, everyday work, and connection with others. They are our authentic self coordinates. These can be considered as ways in which we as a person would try to meet the basic six human needs. Example: A person with a high personality need for certainty would have personality traits linked to certainty like security, structure, comfort, clarity etc. The ways in which we try to meet these needs can be positive, negative or neutral. 

Personality Traits A personality trait is defined as something about a person that impacts how they tend to think, feel and behave on an ongoing basis. Personality traits are characteristic of enduring behavioral and emotional patterns, rather than isolated occurrences. Tertiary needs are “momentary” for a personality to be organized around. Yet they can be repetitive and show up often as strategies to meet our big personality needs. They are the strategies linked to getting our personality needs and thus six basic human needs met. For example, you can meet your personality needs for certainty  in multiple ways like planning your day, having a concrete project plan, creating a draft for your meeting ahead of time, etc.

Character Strengths 

Character strengths are positive personality traits which are based on 1) what the individual naturally enjoys doing, 2) how the individual deals with adversities. According to Justin Gourley (Data Engineering Director at Meta) character strength is the overlapping part in a Venn diagram. One circle is the individual’s passion (work the individual enjoys doing). The other circle is competency/expertise/track-record. When the two circles overlap, those traits become the individual’s strength.

How to identify your personality and tertiary needs? 

Most of us can identify our personality needs based on values and behavior patterns. There is an exhaustive way to rank your needs. I am providing a set of questions* I used to identify them. Try to answer these questions and map your answers to a tertiary or personality need. Then map it to the 6 basic human needs. List down as many answers as possible. You would find a pattern in your answers and sort it based on the frequency of the needs/traits. 

• What are the patterns behind where you think about the most at work? 

• What pattern exists in the activities you do the most during your free time? 

• What tasks do you enjoy doing without any external pressure?

• What triggers you the most about work or people you work with?

• What do you enjoy the most talking about with your colleagues? What are the general topics that come up in your discussion?  

• What topics do you naturally enjoy or gravitate towards? 

• What are the patterns in which you naturally prioritize your work?

• How do you spend your money generally?

*Questions are inspired from Thais Gibson’s Personal Development School course: Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs. 

When you answer these questions, list out as many answers as possible. Connect each answer to a character trait (You can use the list given below as a reference. But traits are not limited to list). Sort the trait based on frequency of occurrence. Identify the top traits. Those are your dominant personality/character traits. Now try to map these traits with your track record. (Do not limit this to your career. You can choose examples from personal life, hobby projects, academic work). At the end of the exercise, you should be able to identify your character strengths. You can also use this list to develop/polish some of the skills required for the job you are interested in. 

The same method and tools can be used to decide your overall career growth and answer some of the questions mentioned here. Do you want to pursue an Individual Contributor or manager track? Should I work on individual projects or team projects? Which team works the best for you? What project should you work on? Should I work for an employer or should I start my own company? Do I focus on product based roles or research based roles?

How do I map my skills to a “Tech” Job? 

When you think about a “tech” job, the stereotype that comes to your mind is of an introverted software engineer hooked onto a laptop and doing endless hours of coding. But the job opportunities in tech are not limited to just coding. There is a way for everyone to feel fulfilled and successful. Also, the modern day tech industry allows you to choose your career in a way you want it to be. It allows you to follow the traditional management track or Individual contributor track. A wide variety of roles are available in the tech industry which will let you choose a career path that suits your personality type. 

So let’s get into the steps for choosing a career that suits your personal needs and character strengths. Depending on where you are in your career you can tweak this exercise. If you are looking for a new job you can use this method to identify a job where you will be content and successful. If you are looking for a job change or career change you can use this to find the career that suits you. If you are unhappy with work, this exercise would help you to find the unmet needs at the workplace and come up with strategies to meet them either at the workplace or in other areas of life. 

5 step process to map personal needs to personality traits 

1. List out jobs that you are interested in.

2. List out the responsibilities and day to day activities of the job 

3. Make your personal plan (short term and long term plan) at this job 

4. Now list the personality traits that you would meet in this  job 

5. Map your personal needs and character traits (strengths) to the personality needs listed in step 4. 

1. List out job/jobs that you are interested in.

First step in the process is to list the roles that you are interested in. If you are switching roles, this would be the new roles you are interested in. If you are a student, this would be the various opportunities that you are interested in exploring post graduation. This should be fairly easy step in the process. 

2. List out the responsibilities and day to day activities of the job 

The second step in the process is the most important one. This would require a good understanding of the role or the company that you are interested in. This is the research or data collection step in the process. The idea here is to get as much information as possible related to the role that you are interested in. To understand the responsibilities of a role, a good method to follow is to divide the information gathering steps into two. 1) Understand the overall responsibilities of the role. That includes understanding the products/projects you will be working on. The overall impact of your work and the final product. Also take some time to understand the growth opportunities for the role, team and company. There are many ways to gather information about everything listed above. Google is your friend to understand more about the role. Identify experienced people in the area and understand their growth. You necessarily do not need to have a role model. But mentors and following the examples of successful people would help you to come up with a plan for yourself. Pick a product or a project that you are passionate about. You might be “just coding” to develop the product. But it is important to work on a product that you are passionate about in order to have a successful and fulfilling career. Take some time to understand the company culture also.  2) Understand the day to day activities involved with the role. There are multiple ways to gather the information. Build your network way before you start your job hunt. Use your network (Alumni network, LinkedIn network, colleagues etc.) and interview them. Understand how a day looks like in their life. Ask questions about what they like and don’t like about their work. Use other websites like LinkedIn, Glassdoor, Blind etc. to get more details.  

3. Make your personal plan (short term and long term plan) at this job 

This step is a continuation of the previous step, but it is catered to you. Before stepping into the specifics of the particular role that you are considering, make sure that you are aware of your personal and tertiary needs. Then based on your research in step 2 make a plan for yourself. For better understanding make a short term and long term plan. Short term plan would be a list of your day to day activities, monthly or quarterly deliverables, skill sets that would learn/polish at the job. The long term plan would be your growth strategy in the role. That is very specific to the individual. Ask yourself these cliched questions, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 10 years?”. Even if you don't have an answer to the question, this would help you to understand your goals. Sometimes, the answer would be “I do not have a plan. I am exploring my opportunities”. That is perfectly okay! This helps you to understand that the current emphasis should be on short term plans and short term growth. This is the best strategy if you are starting your career. 

4. Now list the personality traits that you would meet at this  job 

This step is for mapping your personality needs and tertiary needs that you would meet at this job. The need a particular job is meeting would be slightly different for each individual. For example, if the job/product (eg: Software Engineer working on a Metaverse product)  allows you to come up with a technical solution for an unresolved problem. For one engineer some of the needs the role would meet could be creativity and autonomy. For another person it would be a contribution or significance or connection. Only you would know what need you are meeting at the job.

5. Map your personal needs and character traits (strengths) to the personality needs. 

This is the final mapping step. Step 3 and 5 are slightly enmeshed. You might go back and forth to gain better understanding. In the beginning focus on your character strengths. The idea is to choose a job that is already in alignment with your strengths. But also keep in mind that you can always develop new strengths which are required. During this process you might notice that there are traits that you need to strengthen or missing in order to have a succesful career. This is your opportunity to proactively work on those skills.

If a top personality need is missing in the list at step 4, try to see whether there is a way to meet them at the job. It is not necessary that all your tertiary needs are being met at work. It is okay to meet some of them outside of work. For example, you have a need for novelty and exploration, but your job do not allow you to do that. You can try to meet the need by creative ways like working in different offices or may be a cafe. You can also meet this need outside of work by making new plans for weekends and doing new things outside of work.

The idea here is to find a job that is in alignment with your needs. Your personality needs and the needs that can be met at the job should have fair overlap.

This is not the only way to decide what career or job to choose. This is a helpful structure to help you choose a job that is best suited for you or to make small changes in your current role to have a more fulfilling career.

Are these steps valid for me?

If you are looking for a new job this is a good place to start. Find a job that is in alignment with your needs and strengths. If you are unhappy with your current job this is a good way to figure out why you might be unhappy with work. If you are unhappy at work, use this tool and figure out your personal needs. If you have too many unmet needs at work, take intentional effort from your side to meet them at your current job. Give it some time to see whether you feel different or better. If the needle is not moving maybe it's time to move teams or roles.

Also it is okay to explore different roles, pivot and restart your career at any stage. After all a successful career is that you enjoy doing every day! Eventually you will find the job that is best suited for you. Consider finding the right job like dating. As Sheryl Sandberg said in her book, Lean In. '“When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them”. Same applies to your career also. Try out everything that excites you. Eventually you will find the role that is best for you and every role/project/company will teach you something new!

Tertiary Needs 

Personality Traits 

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References 

• Maslow’s hierarchy of needs 

• Six basic human needs by Tony Robbins

• Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs course by Thais Gibson 

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The Great Resignation is an economic trend in which employees voluntarily resign from their jobs en masse, beginning in early 2021. In November, a record 4.5 million workers left their jobs, according to the Labor Department's latest Job Openings and Labor Turnover report. Burnout is the number one reason employees cite for leaving their current jobs. 

Long working hours can lead to Burnout since we don't give our minds and bodies enough rest. But Burnout is not always proportional to the quantity of the work. Also, depending on how people experience it, Burnout can look different. One person might experience Burnout as the inability to work at all. Another person's experience might not feel good about oneself and the work. The reasons and remedies will vary depending on the situation. The employer, employee, and external environment contribute to the Burnout experienced by the employee. 

What is Burnout?

The Mayo Clinic defines job burnout as a special type of work-related stress — a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that also involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of personal identity.

Five Stages of Burnout 

Herbert Freudenberger, an American psychologist, described the progression of Burnout in 12 stages. This was later simplified into a 5-stage version that is described below.

1. Honeymoon phase

2. Onset of Stress 

3. Chronic Stress 

4. Burnout 

5. Habitual Burnout 

Honeymoon phase

The honeymoon stage is the first stage of Burnout. We won't be seeing the usual symptoms associated with Burnout during this stage. It is usually experienced when you start a new job or a project. You would be excited to try new things, and you might have extremely high productivity rates, optimism, and energy levels. Eventually, you might end up taking up more work onto your shoulders than you should. Thus the cycle of stress begins in the honeymoon phase. At this stage, if no positive coping strategies are implemented, the risks of experiencing Burnout in the future are higher.

Onset of stress

This state starts with the awareness that some days are more difficult than others. Life becomes limited to work and taking care of business, while family, social life, and personal priorities are neglected. Common stress symptoms appear, which affect the person emotionally and physically. You can also notice that your optimism is slowly waning away. Persistent reduced sleep quality, irritability, anxiety, lack of social interaction, and neglect of personal needs are symptoms of this stage.

Chronic stress

The third stage of Burnout is chronic stress, which is developed as a result of the frequent experience of stress. At this stage, the individual would start feeling like a failure and experience a sense of powerlessness. Productivity decreases and the individual might not receive the same appreciation as they used to. The individual might feel demotivated and might feel like a failure. 

The individual would experience persistent tiredness, procrastination, and feeling pressured. The individual would develop coping strategies like numbing, withdrawal, procrastination, and other avoidance strategies and rely on creature comforts. The person might get irritated by small things, and sometimes it might be difficult for the individual to regulate emotionally. In extreme cases, the individual might get addicted to alcohol and drugs. The individual will be living their life with the sympathetic nervous system activated throughout the day. It would be similar to living your life in fight or flight mode. Living in a prolonged state of high alert and stress (when there isn't any real reason for it) can be detrimental to your physical and mental health.

Burnout 

The third stage is called Burnout itself. If positive steps were not taken in the previous stages, it leads to a state of apathy, where despair and disillusionment occur. People do not see a way out of this situation and become indifferent toward work. At this stage, the individual will be obsessed with problems. They will have a pessimistic attitude, self-doubt, ignore personal needs, G I issues and show behavioral changes. They will start isolating themselves from work and other people. They will find ways to escape from work.

Habitual Burnout 

The final stage is habitual Burnout. When you don't take any measures to recover from Burnout in earlier stages, the symptoms will become a part of your life. Symptoms of Burnout cause significant physical or emotional problems, and ultimately these may prompt one to look for help and intervention. The individual will experience depression, chronic sadness, and mental and physical fatigue. At this stage, the individual will start experiencing issues at the workplace and in their personal life. The individual may need professional help to overcome this stage.

The 5 stages of burnout and symptoms. (Adopted from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7604257/)

Reasons for Burnout 

There are multiple psychological explanatory models developed to explain the etiopathogenesis of Burnout. The reasons for Burnout are generally divided into internal and external categories. The internal factors address the employee's attitude towards work. The external factors contain the external working environment. Both need to be addressed when we talk about Burnout. This implies the changes need to happen on the employer's side and the employee's side. 

An employee with a high work ethic and balance in life can experience Burnout if they work in a place with an unhealthy culture and lack of support. Similarly, employees with perfectionistic striving can make work their center of the universe, neglect personal needs and boundaries can also experience Burnout. During the pandemic that affected the collective's mental health, it was difficult for people to set up professional and personal boundaries. That resulted in higher burnout rates across the globe, regardless of the workplace. Personal life issues can also affect the individual's mental health at the workplace. Companies are including mental health benefits as perks to address workplace issues and recover from personal mental health issues. It helps to improve the employee's productivity. 

Workplace (External) and employee- related (Internal) factors contributing to burnout. (Adopted from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7604257/)

How to overcome Burnout?

Approaches to treating Burnout depend on the burnout stage and the severity of the symptoms. Changing habits and building a routine for better work-life balance would be sufficient for minor signs of Burnout. But for severe symptoms, one might need professional help. 

The initial step would be to understand the root causes of Burnout and take action to overcome them. Usually, it is a combination of multiple factors. After addressing the significant factors of Burnout, develop a plan to overcome the issues. Any habitual or psychological changes require time and consistency to see changes. Special attention is required from a medical health provider for physical health problems. 

The way to attain work-life balance is to have balance in different areas of your life. You can categorize your life into seven different buckets. Career, financial, physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, and relationships (personal, friends, family, and significant others) buckets of your life need to reach the state of homeostasis in life. Every human being needs different ways to meet their six basic human needs in various forms at work and outside of work.    

Strategies to eliminate internal factors  

The internal factors might be different for different individuals. For individuals with perfectionism and high self-expectations, cognitive reframing exercises would help them come out of negative self-talk patterns. Setting up internal and external boundaries at work would allow the individual to have a better work-life balance, thus more job satisfaction. Internal boundaries include 1) intentionally cutting off from work at the end of the day. 2) Have activities/hobbies outside of work. External boundaries include 1) Not oversubscribing to work that cannot be completed in a certain time. 2) Being comfortable saying no when you need to. 

Many individuals have negative self-talk going on in their minds about their work. If you cannot change your thought patterns, it is always good to get professional help. CBT-based therapy is a good option for perfectionism trauma. 

Strategies to eliminate external factors  

An individual usually feels unhappy/unsatisfied at work when their needs are not met at the workplace. Ideally, the six basic human needs need to be met at the workplace. At least some of your top personality needs need to be met at the workplace. If you have unmet needs at the current workplace, try to meet them consciously. For example, if growth is not being met in the project you are working on, try to find projects with growth potential. If a deserving promotion is pending, don't be hesitant to ask for one. 

Another major factor for Burnout is the lack of boundaries in the workplace. Boundaries can also be categorized as internal and external. An internal boundary is something you need to set up for yourself. Examples are: there should be a time boundary for work to have an excellent work-life balance. Have a hard stop to your working hours and find some time to do activities outside of work during the 24 hours of the day. Make time for your health, family, and anything you enjoy doing daily. Prioritize your tasks and have a daily/weekly plan for work. External boundaries are related to external factors like working environment, colleagues, etc. A few good examples would be: Be comfortable saying "No" to work beyond your availability. Saying No is not an indicator of bad work, but it indicates that you are prioritizing your time in the right way and direction. Prioritize your needs or work over taking up other people's work. 

Even after taking all the necessary steps from your side to eliminate external factors of Burnout, if the issues still exist, then the current workplace or team is probably not the best place for you to work. In that case, it is time for you to work on the exit strategy.

Personal Life and Burnout 

Work-Life and personal life are interconnected, and they will impact each other. During the pandemic time, human beings collectively went through a crisis. That spilled into work life. People go through many traumatic events like healthcare issues, loss of loved ones, etc. That will directly affect your work. A healthy workplace would also have systems to address employees' personal mental health. Many companies have mental health benefits additional to the medical insurance. If the individual is going through a difficult phase in life, it is essential to pause and take a break. Suppose you have workplace-related trauma (e.g., abusive past workplace situations, loss of past jobs, etc.). In that case, it is crucial to address them and do a cognitive reframing around the negative experience.

Get your life back into balance  

If there is one secret formula to prevent Burnout, that would be to bring balance in all the seven areas of your life. Even if you enjoy your work, make sure you have a time boundary between work and personal life. Have a cut-off time and spend time with your family. Take that PTO; you deserve it! Find an employer who values their employee and their contribution.

As Mark Zuckerberg mentioned in his Harvard commencement speech, It is essential to have a "sense of purpose" in life and your career. It would help if you chose a career aligned with your personality needs. Figuring out one's intrinsic strengths would give you more clarity about your job. Also, have a growth plan for yourself and choose an employer whose vision is aligned with your thought processes and values. 

References 

1. Job Openings and Labor Turnover Summary

2. Job burnout: How to spot it and take action

3. Burnout in Healthcare Workers: Prevalence, Impact and Preventative Strategies: Stefan De Hert

4. Fight or flight: The sympathetic nervous system

5. What Happens to Your Body During the Fight or Flight Response?

6. Is Taking a Mental Health Day Actually Good for You?

7. The anxiety ebook: Thais Gibson

8. 5 Steps To Recover From Burnout | Burnout, Balance & Mental Health: Thais Gibson

9. Discover the six human needs: Tony Robbins

10. What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

11. Mark Zuckerberg’s 3 Keys to Creating a ‘Sense of Purpose’