Overcoming the Grief of Losing a Job
Thousands of people are losing their jobs in the tech sector. We are hearing about layoffs almost daily now. For some people, it will immediately affect their daily lives; for some, it affects their visa status; for some, it affects their career and family planning. The reason for a layoff could be an economic downturn, pandemic, over-hiring, or change in leadership, but the pain experienced by the person who lost their job is real. Let me put it this way… "It sucks"!
Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion that usually stems from losing a loved one. Is losing a job similar to losing someone that we love? Studies on psychological and neurobiological changes show it is very similar. Just like people respond to the passing of someone in different ways, employees react to losing a job differently. Regardless of how quickly you respond to the loss, your grief is real.
If you are someone who lost their job recently, my heart goes out to you. By understanding grief and the grieving process, you might be able to come up with some solutions to help you get back to normalcy and make a plan for your future self.
What is Grief?
According to the Mayo Clinic, grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or a terminal diagnosis they or someone they love have received.
Grief is a natural reaction to loss. You can have an overwhelming response to loss. You might experience shock, anger, disbelief, guilt, shame, or sadness. You can often feel numb and disconnected from the world.
Why does losing a job feel painful? Why do we often compare losing a job with losing your loved one? Why do we grieve our job?
Psychological and Neurobiological Aspects of Grief
Understanding the psychological and neurobiological aspects of grief will help understand the experience of loss. Psychological pain arises from unmet psychological needs, many of which may occur in the context of losing a job. Losing a job affects one's need for safety, comfort, purpose, growth, etc. Neurobiologically loss of a job disrupts the virtual map of our brain. The brain remains in a state of confusion until we update the map.
Grief vs. Grieving
Grief and Grieving! These are the two terms we often hear after a loss. It is important to understand and differentiate between grief and grieving. Grief refers to the internal experience of a person after the loss. Grieving can be explained as how the person tries to express their feelings to the external world or cope with the loss. There is no universal definition or pattern for either of them. Both grief and the grieving process can vary for each individual. How one responds to the loss can vary depending on how one perceives the loss.
Individuals react to losing a job in three different ways.
Respond with anger and aggression
Become overwhelmed and shutdown
Feel the emotion about the situation and appropriately handle the emotion.
Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross describes the five stages of grief as
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Before explaining the stages, let me clarify that these are different stages of grief, not grieving. That means these are internal experiences of the person after a loss, which is not a linear, predictable process. One might experience one or more emotions at a time. But for the sake of the explanation, I am referring to it as stages. Also, one can go back and forth between these stages. The five stages explain how a person might feel after the loss. Understanding would help them to process grief and make changes.
So how do the five stages (states) look for a person who recently lost their job?
Denial - One can start denying the reality or how they feel about the situation. Behaviorally it can look like avoidance, procrastination, irritability, occupying oneself with random meaningless tasks, not processing their emotions and thinking and saying that they are okay, living in a fantasy world etc. It can feel like numbness, shock, confusion, and shutting down.
Anger - Anger can look like having a pessimistic attitude towards the company, manager, friends, family, and the world. Some behaviors can look like cynicism, sarcasm, irritability, being aggressive or passive-aggressive, getting into arguments, and sometimes alcohol or drug use. The person can feel a lot of anger, frustration, impatience, rage, and feeling like everything is out of control.
Bargaining - This is the stage where someone starts ruminating on the future and past. People will start playing "I should have, could have, and would have" in their minds. Some people overthink and overanalyze. They compare themselves with other people. They will feel guilty and ashamed of themselves. A person can experience fear, anxiety, and insecurity in this stage.
Depression - Depression feels like sadness, lack of energy and motivation. Some people cry, and some people turn to coping mechanisms like drug and alcohol usage. They feel hopeless, helpless, and disappointed.
Acceptance - People start accepting reality and make mindful changes in their day-to-day lives. That can look like accepting the loss of a job, accepting how they feel about it, reaching out for help, and making plans to change with reality. They show self-compassion, validation, and courage. A person in this stage feels good about themselves regardless of what has happened.
How to overcome Grief? - the Process of Healthy Grieving
Now let us discuss how we can overcome grief and make plans for our future. After understanding the stages of grief, we know that reaching a stage of acceptance faster would help one to move through the grieving process quicker. The loss feels more intense initially, and it will get better over time. So if you want to take time to process what has happened, it's normal and completely healthy. You can make quick changes and feel normal again by identifying the reason behind your grief.
So how can we figure out the reason for our pain? As I explained earlier, from a neuroscience perspective, we need to update our virtual map in the brain. In your virtual brain, your day might look like waking up at 7, having a quick breakfast, dressing up, driving to work, attending meetings, having lunch with colleagues, resuming work, and coming back home. But this is different from how the real map looks after losing a job. And your brain needs clarification because the maps are not matching. You need to update your virtual map. That would look like creating a new structure for yourself and your day.
An example would be "wake up at 7, have a healthy breakfast, start meditating, prepare for interviews, have lunch at the nearest restaurant, apply for jobs, and play tennis with friends. You decide the structure and be mindful about productively spending the time. Over time your mental map will get updated, and you will feel better. The virtual map is more than just the obvious things like routine or structure. When you are employed, your brain is conditioned to know when you are getting paid, where to find resources and support, and have the certainty of having access to resources like medical insurance. When everything is taken away abruptly, it takes time for the brain to get conditioned. By offering severance packages and continuous support for a few months, companies try to help you to get accustomed to the changes.
From a psychological perspective, if you can identify the needs that are met by the different aspects of your job, it would help you to make changes in your day, and you would start feeling better quickly. But how do we do that?
List out functions and benefits that you enjoyed in your job. This can include the day-to-day operations, your team, technological and creative elements of the job, how you contributed to the company, the compensation you received, etc.
Try to match these functions with a need that you were meeting. This would be different for different people. For example, working on a tech stack might meet the need for creativity for someone. But it would be learning for someone. Grieving the needs met by the specific aspect of your job will help you process the loss better than grieving the loss as a whole.
Be creative and start meeting some of these needs within yourself and from other people or activities. This is where you wear your creative hat and figure out ways to learn new methods to meet your needs. If working on an AI product helped you to meet the need to be creative. You can bring your creativity in different ways into your life. You can continue doing creative tech projects or pick up a creative hobby.
List out the skills you developed in your previous role and areas where you grew. This is an essential step to feeling gratitude and good about yourself. You learned, and you grew with the company. No matter where life takes you, the skills you learned will stay with you. It will help you to grow in your career.
Ask yourself: What good things can happen to me because of this layoff? This question might be challenging to answer. If you just lost your job and are not in a state of mind to answer this question, you can stop here and come back to the final step later. Your first thought might be, "well.. Nothing good can come because of the layoff.. I lost my job, and that's it". Even though it is difficult to answer, your perspective about the job loss will change if you go through the final step. This would help you to grow and excel in the future career. If you can change the narrative, this isolated incident will not stay in your mind as a traumatic experience.
It will be hard and uncomfortable, especially while doing the first few steps. When you write down everything you enjoyed in your previous role, the pain of losing it would hit you harder. But it is necessary to go through the pain. Get professional help if you need to. Processing the different aspects of grief with a professional would make it easier for you. But once you come out of this process, you will grow personally and professionally.
Whenever you are in a better state of mind, start making a plan for yourself, whether it is interviewing at other places, switching roles, or careers. Rational thinking and a pragmatic approach will help you prepare for your next career adventure!
Note to Managers, Colleagues and Friends
If you are a manager or teammate of someone who lost their job, the least you can do is show your support to them. For a manager, that might look like having a call with the person, being grateful, appreciating their work, and validating their experience. That would give them closure and courage to deal with their experience. They are people, not just resources. It’s a small world and you might be working with them again in future. If you are a teammate or a friend, check with them, and offer them support. Make them feel heard and seen!
References
https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief
Shneidman ES (1998). The suicidal mind: Oxford University Press, USA. [Google Scholar]
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/grief/grief-vs-mourning/
https://www.washington.edu/counseling/2020/06/08/the-stages-of-grief-accepting-the-unacceptable/
Mary-Frances O'Conner, The Grieving Brain, https://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Brain-Surprising-Science-Learn-ebook/dp/B093ZZ7HZY
Brene Brown, Atlas of the heart, https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/
Comprehensive article that pays equal importance to both the practical and psychological aspects. Thanks for a good one and also for including the references !